Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Tuesday tidbits..

I feel like I am doing pretty well, I do believe this is at least 3-4 times blogging in the month of July!  I think it is safe to say...
I have missed blogging on the reg.  I am a rambler, an over sharer, love to tell a good story, and I love to write down the sweet memories we are making each day.  The past many months I have been slacking on the blog, and I hate it!

I figure since I am finally back, but do not have much to discuss, I would do a few Tuesday tidbits...
1.  I had a lunch date today!  With one of my besties Kim!
It had been a super strange morning, like one of those morning where you know that God is testing you and your patience by putting a person in your path and what you are supposed to do is keep it Christian and love them, but they just make you nutzo sometimes.  Yes, I was tested and I failed and Mexican food was the only way to help me feel better about my day.  We went to a local place and I ordered the same thing as always, a taco salad.  Every time I order, it is always cold and gross, but I keep on keeping on, because I feel that this could be a great dish for me, if it was warm.

2.  Tonight, Aron was painting in our bedroom.  It will be gray (not blue gray or green gray, but gray gray).  super excited for the reveal, as the previous grays I have chosen (and that are on our kitchen, living room, and bathroom, are really all blue gray or green grays!  (ya follow?)  Any ways, Aron has already finished the trim along the walls, it has been painted white! I just know that by tomorrow, we will be able to sleep in our freshly painted bedroom!!  Next it will be onto the master bathroom and finish painting the mantle and front door frame white... did I mention we are having a house full on Sunday for Sophia's birthday?  We shall see what is completed by this time!!

3.  Speaking of a party this weekend, at our house, I am just looking around at all of the clutter in our home.  I am getting ready to do a spring cleanin' in the summer!  I am feeling the need to get rid of stuff and organize... or I may just look on Pinterest for ideas on how to organize our home for a month, and then the summer clean up time frame will be long gone.  Ha!!

4.  So, tomorrow is Wednesday, and Sophia is turning 6 on Sunday.  (did I mention we will have our family over to celebrate on that day?)  Did I mention she will be 6?  Have I mentioned that I have not even ordered the child a cake?  #TotalMomFail #BirthdayShmirthday #TomorrowWillBeBusy  #PoorPlanner

5.  It is just a few minutes before 11.  The house is quiet besides the hummmm of the dryer and I am sitting alone.... eating my second piece of birthday cake.  I am super tempted to go and grab a half piece and shove it in my mouth, but really, who needs 2 1/2 pieces of birthday cake, at 11p.m., before they go to bed??

6.  Just a funny tid-bit, I fell asleep in between tid-bit 2 and 3.  Do y'all think I fell into a sugar coma?

7.  Last one.  I let the littles stay up late tonight.  I sat with them on the couch and we watched Shrek, they love that green ogre.  It was just a few minutes before 10 before they were all tucked in (oh, returning back to school is going to be a rough time... for all of us)!

Help, my kid only eats ketchup!

Okay, the title of the post may seem a little dramatic, but I had to be a wee bit ridic with my header in order to get your attention.  I need help!  It is time for real talk, and I hope that some of you are willing to share, because this ain't no joke, this momma needs help!  The things that I am going to reveal to you (10s of readers) are only going to show you that I am not that momma that is feeding my littles healthy snacks or meals.  You will soon find out that while Aron and I are eating well, my people are eating sad foods:  nuggets, peanut butter and jellies, and ketchup!! 
Today it must stop!!

In the next few weeks, the kids will be returning to school.  I am excited for Bray to get back with school, since I love all of his teachers, and Sophia, well it is gonna be hard to get her to school at 7:30 (eeek, it makes me super stressed) and it is kindergarten (whaaaaaaaa, she is growing up).  Anyways, with their time out of school, I have really been trying to figure out new snacks and foods that my wee ones will eat.  Sophia is not as challenging.  She will try things, eat what we eat, and is just very agreeable.  Now, the other child, I am at a loss. I mean really, how many times can you eat chicken nuggets, rolls, pizza, or jelly sandwiches (not all in one day, I am talking meals people)!?  These are the only things that he will really eat.

I have tried the whole bit of, "I am only cooking one meal and you will sit here until you eat it."

Each time the ultimatum has been thrown down, my little plays it tough.  This kid will sit there until the end of time, he would rather starve than try a hamburger, lasagna, a vegetable, or piece of cheese!
He just loves a challenge, and I just do not get it.  For the longest time he would only eat ketchup, I know, ketchup.  It is a fa-reeking condiment, not a meal replacement!!
I have read the comments of my momma friends who are able to wake up and half apples and fill the innerds with peanut butter and then smush them back together and wrap them in saran wrap (good for you)- my kid would chunk that and trade it for ketchup!
I have the friends that will serve their child hummus and veggies for a healthy treat (really, this is not happening, my child would look at that and say that it hurts his belly to look at it.... and then cry!)  FYI, I would not even eat hummus, sounds icky.
Then there are the friends who are sending their littles to school with fish sticks and such (my little will only eat things shaped like a nugget... the nugget of a chicken).
Seriously, what time are you mommas getting up to make your children's lunches look like they should be in some sort of food museum???

I know it seems like I am poking fun at other mommas who have these amazing eaters (I am only half making fun and the other half of me is super jealous that your kid eats from each part of the food triangle).

 I just want to feel like I am not making the same things over and over, and I want to know if I make something new that my kid will eat it.

Really, I am not sure I would eat this.
Seriously, how are you getting your child to eat different foods (are you paying them, do you buy them a toy each time they take a bite)?

I need to know!  I am also wanting to know what other things I can make for lunch and dinner?

Monday, July 27, 2015

Today is Caryn's birthday...

happy birthday to her, she's a big girl!
Today is Caryn's birthday...
happy birthday!
happy birthday, to you!
To you!  To you!!
Yes, I know I just typed that song out for myself, but when I was little, and it was my birthday, my momma would sing this little birthday song to me.  This morning, it only seemed fitting that I wake up and hum it to myself.
That is right y'all!  I am 36 today, it is my BIG day!  I wish I could say I spent the day lounging about and relaxing, but I woke up a little late, went to work, and have spent the evening on the couch with my people watching American Ninja Warrior!
I know, big stuff here.  I feel like it was just yesterday that I would spend my birthday (or really, the week of my birthday) celebrating with some of my most favorite girlfriends and boyfriends (not boys I was dating, don't want to seem like a floozy, but my guy friends that I love like brothers)!  It was always such a fun week, but I am afraid if I celebrated like that these days, I may have to take a week off from work to re-coop!  (ain't nobody got time for that)!
Anyways, things have changed!  Here I am at 36, sitting on the couch surrounded by the people I love most and that love me best!  This seems just as good as my week long birthday celebrations!
My birthday weekend was so nice.  Saturday morning, I went to breakfast with my girlfriend Regan.  This is something that I never get to do.  Breakfast with a girlfriend?  Breakfast with Regan?   Nope, unheard of!  She has children, I have children, and we were able to get out, alone, no children!!  Then, I took the kiddos to a birthday swimming party.  The rest of the day was spent hanging out at the house until we went to dinner at my Moss' house (FYI, if you are new here, a Moss is my grandmother).  Dinner was delicious, and the company was family, so this was a happy time.  Sunday we woke up and made it to church.  I was so glad that we were able to go, it seems like forever since we had attended, and I was so happy to be back.  Nothing better that starting your week off with Jesus (I have been missing this).  Sunday afternoon, it was about a bajillion degrees out (really 97ish) so I just wanted to stay inside and hang out.  I really lounged around watching Aron paint the wood trim in our bedroom and rented a movie on VUDU,  Far From the Madding Crowd.... loved it!!  That night for supper my parents hosted my people for a birthday celebration.  It was good to be with my family and friends that I consider family, I do not know how many times I looked around the room and just grinned from ear to ear thinking how lucky I am to have all of these people in my life.  I am a lucky girl for sure, and loved so well.

Even though my day was spent at the office, it was still good.  I was greeted with happy faces of friends, and was able to have a yummy birthday lunch with my Suzie (if you don't have a Suzie, you should get one), and was sent so many sweet messages and texts from others who I do not see on the reg!  After work I was able to come home and spend a few minutes alone, PTL for my Aron who took the kids to gymnastics, by himself.  I may have said that I would start dinner (and I may have lied) instead I just sat in the chair looking at the fireplace, thinking, "I am 36, this is 36".  It was not a sad revelation, just a revelation.
35 is over, and the year was good, but I am ready for what 36 has to bring.  The kids start school in a few weeks, Sophia will begin kindergarten and she is turning 6 (insert sniffle, sniffle, sob), Brayden will move up to big boy gymnastics next week and he will soon turn 5 (what??!  sniffle, sniffle, sob).  Me and my lov-a will be celebrating 9 years of marriage (that is crazy).  I am approaching my 2 year mark of returning back to the workforce, and it has really been a good thing.  The man friend has been working like crazy to get our house back in order (I guess he does not like the unfinished painting of trim and walls all throughout the house, so he is finishing it up for me... since my clickity clack back has still been out of whack).  We have even been discussing moving.
There are just so many big things for our future.  I know the last few months had been so unexpected, but I truly feel that we are coming out of the storm and things are going to be BIG!  I am really ready to just relax and enjoy things.  I feel like I have always been such a planner, always in a rush, rushing to get up in the morning, rushing to get out of the door, rushing to get meals eaten and cleaned up, rushing to get people bathed and in bed, rushing all around to I can hurry and get to bed.  I am constantly thinking, I cannot wait until bedtime, I cannot wait until Friday, and then Monday comes and I am thinking I cannot wait until it is the weekend.  Rushing all of these moments, and I need to take a chill pill. Time is just flying by, and I do not want to miss it or have my children think that I was always in a hurry!!  I am ready to enjoy my moments.

Stop rushing so much, and enjoy 36!!

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Everything is gonna be alright...

Okay, this is real talk here today.

It has been a few weeks since I have shared how I was really doing since our loss.  I put it all out there and did not hold back.  I know it was a lot of personal information and NOW it is all out there on the internets for all of the 10s of readers, and I am okay with that.  It felt good to share, talk, and be real, and help begin the healing process on my momma heart.  After I hit publish the post, I was nervous, about how people would react, but I was so surprised with how many people shared their own stories about a loss they had experienced.  Oh, to know I have so many friends that have miscarried (some more than one time), and my heart just aches for them too.  One thing they all did tell me is that in time, everything is gonna be alright.
Earlier this week, I had my post op appointment with my doctor.  I had been doing pretty well, until I checked in for my appointment.  I was feeling a little uncomfortable, since the last time I was there I had just left my ultrasound that had shown no baby.  My appointment went well and my doctor felt everything was going good  (ya know, with all my parts), and that was good to hear.
We discussed a few things:
1.  How I felt about having another baby.  Obviously, I want to have more, but this is not only a "me" decision, this is a "we" decision.  It has been hard for me, but it has been hard for Aron to see me completely broken.  I try so hard to keep it together, but this really shook me to the core.  So, do we want to do this again?
2.  We talked about the possibility of this happening again.  This scares me to death, to know that it could happen, but honestly, the doctor can tell me it more than likely will not, but he does not know everything.  Would I be able to handle if this did happen all over?
3.  We talked about me being in "advanced age" for pregnancy (can y'all believe it, I am what is thought of as a geriatric pregnant woman)!  Ummm, hello, I am 35 (only for 2 more days, but geez)!  I did have this conversation more than once over the pregnancy, and this young nurse, we are talking young like Doogie (Howser, remember him?)
She was talking to me about my "geriatric pregnancy" and kept referring to my age (like I was 80).  She would say, "blah, blah, blah... advanced age."
Then I would look at her and say, "I am 35, that is not advanced".
She would then ramble..., "but, you will be 36 in a little over a month, so we'll round up."
I was all, "but, I'm not.  I'm 35".
Needless to say, it was like some back and forth game, that she was not going to let up on.  I cannot say on here what I was wanting to say to that little peppy pip-squeek, I'm gonna keep it family friendly.  (ya dig?)
4.  We also talked about ovulation (and how I do not often do that)... and I am pretty sure I just lost about 2 of my 10s of readers)!  Ha!  Really, he asked that I have 3 periods before we try again.  For me, this could be one time in November, then next year?!  So, if I went with that direction, I could really be in "advanced age" if I went with this timeline!
5.  Lastly, we talked about fertility help (medications to help ovulation and to help me conceive again).  We did this with helping to become pregnant with Sophia.
It was a pretty heavy discussion for a Tuesday.  Many of the things I was not totally prepared to talk about, I mean I feel like I was just coming out of the trenches of this loss!  It left me with so much to think about.
I know that I love being a momma to my littles,
and I have wanted to have another baby for a few years, but it had just not been in the cards for us.  So, who knows what the future will hold for our family.

For now, please know, I am doing much better.  I am still sad, I mean I was so happy about this baby, but I know that I have so much to be thankful for.  I am just going to focus on that.

Thank you so much for all of your prayers and messages-

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

A hairy situation...

If you know me, then you know that I have BIG hair.  I'm talking 80's hair band BIG.
Over the years I have just learned to embrace the fro, and just let it do what it wants to do.  A few weeks ago, we were at a dinner and I was told that my hair was too big for my face (it is not necessary to know who made this comment, but know that I love them and she gave birth to me... ha)!  Seriously, I was not mad in the slightest, but it left me thinking.  Ummmmm, okay.  When those words are thrown I go to a weird place...
like I am thinking about this guy...
his hair is just too big for his face.  Is this what I am looking like these days?  Are my friends not telling me that my hair is to large and in charge??

Then I think about this guy...
He probably thought he was super cute with his curly top and red lips, and red clown painted cheeks, and blue eye shadow.  (y'all, bless his heart, why did his momma not look at him and say sweet heart, your hair is just not right for your face and that shade of rouge is really not your thing.  at all.  no lies.)  #pitiful #butitwasthe80s

So anyways, back to me.  The words have been thrown out there, and I have been thinking what I should do with my hair.  I have found a few different cuts I love, but I cannot decide.

My hair is hard, if I cut it too short it gets bigger and I could look like a q-tip.

If I cut it without layers, then it looks like a bell shape or a triangle.
Layers... they are good, until I flat iron my hair and it looks like crazy town.

Oh, so many decisions (I know, first world problems).

I have found so many great cuts, I am aware that a few of the shots are of the same girl, I may secretly have a girl crush on her still!  I love Keri Russell, am I the only girl that watched Felicity?  She had the hair, and it was BIG, and I could totally relate!  She was smart, followed a boy to school.  She loved Ben, but then she met Noel, but Ben!  I loved Ben!  Y'all do remember this show, yes??  Anyways, the hair!

I am ready for a change.  It is time to shake things up!  This girl has had a huge few months, and I turn 36 next week.  I am looking to do something fun, new, and BIG!!  Tomorrow morning I am making the appointment!! 

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

The New Normal...

Over the past three weeks, I have anxiously been waiting for my heart to heal.  I have been super patient.  Each morning that I have woken up, I have hoped that the ache in my heart will not be there, but it still is.  Each day that I have seen a new momma or even a momma with a growing belly, I have hoped that the momma would not see my sad face gazing their way.  Each time over the past few weeks, when someone asks about our sweet surprise baby and how "we" are feeling, I have prayed to have strength and not begin crying at the question as I tell them that we lost the baby.  Sometimes, I am successful, and other times not so much (for those that this has happened to, I apologize, but my heart is still so very broken).

I am not sure how long this healing process takes, but I really thought that I would be able to get through this a bit quicker.  I have been unsuccessful.  Each night, while all of the people in my house are resting, I have just laid in the bed and cried.  You would think with all of these tears that I would be all dried up by now, but obviously I am well hydrated throughout the day, and have much to spare at night! I hate to cry in front of others (even my Aron), so for some reason these late night cries have become my new normal.

Last night, after I got home from work, I just looked at Aron and said that we needed to talk and he would probably have to sit down.  I am sure that a bajillion crazy thoughts were going through his head at that moment.  He just sat and looked at me, and immediately started with the top three things that could possibly have me down...
1.  we have no money?
2.  we have nothing for dinner?
3.  something is wrong with the car?
They were all great guesses, but nada one was right.  I just looked at him and lost it.  Ugly crying and emotional diarrhea.  I just unloaded weeks of stuff...
1.  I am completely heart broken that we lost our baby
2.  I am not sure that I will recover, emotionally
3.  In my deep insides I am so mad, mad that this happened, mad that I cannot understand why this happened, mad that there are people who have babies and are horrible to them and this one was taken away from us!
4.  I am overwhelmed with everything.
5.  I am concerned about the future, if this happened again
6.  I think that everything that has happened is finally hitting me.  A few weeks ago, I think that I was just kind of going through the motions, and I just cannot handle it.
7.  I am trying so hard to just stuff all of my emotions down, just so I can get through the day.

I feel like I am just walking around wearing this mask and I so badly just want to rip it off and say, "I am not doing okay!  I am so sad, and I feel like if I started crying at this very moment, I may never ever stop!!"
I feel like I am just out here yelling and waving my hands above my head at everyone, and I feel like everyone else is just looking at me smiling and waving back, but I am drowning y'all, in this emotional mess.  I have never felt more alone.

This cannot be my new normal!  I have never been this girl that is just angry.  I do not want to be this girl that is mad, or negative.  I want my old self back, and I am afraid that I am not going to find her.  I am nervous that this new girl is going to take old girls place.

I know this is a lot of personal stuff (all 10s of readers) but I almost feel like if I do not get it off of my chest I might have a breakdown.

I know that my family and friends are constantly praying over me.  I am so thankful that I have people in my life that will lift me up when I can not do it myself.  The past few mornings, on my way to work, I have started praying.  (Old girl used to do this all of the time.)  I pray for strength to just get through the day.  I pray that I have patience and a kind heart.  I pray that I will be a bright spot for someone else.  I pray that I will be loving to my husband and babies.  I pray that I will feel the presence of my Savior at every moment, and feel kept.

I know that I have much to be thankful for.  I have so much: Aron (who is so patient and loving), my wee ones (who are so fun and adore me), a family that cares for me, friends, house, a job (and it is a job that I love and I get to do it with a group of people that I love).
I know that there are women out there that cannot have children, and I have been blessed with 2.
I know that there are women that have lost multiple babies.
I know that there are women that have gone through this loss, and are alone.
Over the past few days, I have prayed for these women.  I know how I feel, and I have so much to be thankful for, but the women that do not have this support that I have had, my heart aches for you.  I just cannot imagine.

I am so hopeful that tomorrow will be the day where I just wake up and feel like my old self.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

January 28, 2016

I realize that the post is dated 7 months from now, but this date has been weighing heavily on my heart the past few weeks.  A little over a month ago, we found out that we were expecting!  It came as a BIG surprise to us.  Ya see, we had only started talking about having a baby just a few days before we even found out.  I love that the Lord had already been preparing our hearts for this baby, He is so good like that.  For the past few years, my heart has been longing for another baby, I mean, I am not getting any younger, and my babies are growing up.  I think I have always known that I want at least 3 or 5 kids (Aron, I guess it is time you knew, yes, 5 kids!)  Seriously, I have been ready.  I love babies, and I love my babies, and I have just been patiently waiting for Aron to look at me and tell me that he was feeling the same way.  I had brought it up over the past few years, but something always would come up and a baby just was not the right thing at that moment.  So, a few months ago, when Aron started the baby chat, I immediately responded (obvi)!
So, anyways, I am 35.  I'm just putting it out there.  My eggs are not old.  I am not old.  But a lady of my age may not find it to be easy to have babies (at least not as easy as a 20 something gal).  Not only am I 35, but it is not the easiest for me to even get pregnant (you have to do that whole ovulating thing, and it is not something that I do that often).  It took almost 2 years to get pregnant with Sophia.  With Brayden, it happened a bit faster.  Then with Foresee number 3, we had a discussion and it was like the next day we were pregnant!  Talk about amazing!
I remember the few days before we found out, I could not hold my eyes open (like no joke), I would be talking to a little and I would wake up an hour later (no judging, my husband was at home).  Then one morning, my sweet Aron let me sleep in (until 9, 9 in the morning y'all, it was like I was in college (sorry mom and dad), but 9.  I woke up and had breakfast, and told Aron how much I appreciated him letting me sleep for a little extra time, and within 45 minutes I was back asleep and stayed that way until noon!  I started thinking that this whole full time momma, full time job, full time wife thing was really taking it's toll on me.  That night we went to my parents house, had a wonderful dinner, and I finished my food (only a few bites) and everyone was having a good time, talking, eating, and I just got up and went to the couch (so rude!), strange that I woke up and hour later.  It was crazy, who even does this.  Driving home that night I just had a feeling.  So the next morning, I told Aron we were out of dog food, and I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test.  I was so crazy and exciting.  I opened the box as soon as I got in the parking lot, and threw the box away in the parking lot.  I did not want Aron to see it when I walked in the house.  As I pulled in the driveway, I already had the tests in my wallet, the kids were outside with Aron playing in the yard.  I just ran in (with NO dog food, sorry Chip, I was distracted), and took the first test.  I know, not even my first mornings urine!  (Sorry uncomfortable readers, that now know I pee).  Anyways, when I took the test, it showed the lightest positive sign.  My hand immediately went to my belly, and I just quietly praised Jesus for this baby.  I could not believe it, number 3!  I was having another baby!
In the whole 5 minutes I had to process this news, I had already decided I would NOT go out and tell Aron.  I wanted to surprise him.  Maybe I would make a meal with all sorts of baby things:  baby potatoes, baby carrots, baby size beanie weenies (even though that would make him gag), or maybe I would wait and tell him with the first ultrasound, or maybe I would have a family picture taken and tell him during the photographer taking the picture (and get a crazy reaction on film).  So, yes, I would not tell him, I would wait.  I walked outside after hiding the test in the bottom of the trash can, and sit down next to him.  I was looking at the littles and just completely overwhelmed with emotion.  Thinking how happy I was, how happy they were, how happy Aron was to just be sitting outside with me not asking him to do anything.  As I was tearing up and looking at the kids, I looked at Aron and just made the comment how perfect they were and how happy I was with the two of them.  He agreed, and just went about the conversation.  He started talking about something else... probably about how we need a fishing boat, or his new truck that we want to get soon, or if we had any bills to be paid that week, and I just interrupted and said it is so great having these two littles, but what if there were more, would he be okay?  He looked at me in a strange way (like, hello, crazy lady, I was talking about something else) but said , yea, another would be good (he was probably thinking like, yes, we are gonna try again tonight!  ha, it's really probably what he was thinking, and I sure he was
not thinking that it would be anytime soon.  Then I just put it out there.... well, it is happening!  There would be more, we are having another.  He was confused, heck, so was I.  I had already decided I would at least let myself process the news a bit longer, but no, verbal diarrhea set in and I had to let him know.  To say he was surprised was an understatement, and he needed visual proof.  He reviewed the test (like he was some sort of pregnancy test scientist or something) and let me know that it was not dark enough to be positive, and that I would need a re-do.  Ha!  I know a positive when I see a positive, but I will do anything to appease the scientist.  So, I waited until the next morning, and voila!  Super, super light, but it was positive!  I was happy!  He was shocked, and happy!  I was a little sappy, I mean I am over the moon for our littles, and would they be upset that I am messing up our family of 4 dynamic?  Or would us being a Foresee, table of five family be okay?  I was overwhelmed.  I needed to process... and get on Pinterest!
On Tuesday, I called my sweet girl parts doctor, and explained that I thought I was pregnant, but for the past few weeks, I had been taking pain pills, and was a little concerned that I may have hurt our little one.  Ya see, I had recently hurt my back again, it was not good!  My doctor got me immediately in, he had not seen me in sometime, so the reunion was good.  He could not believe that my children were 5 and 4 and then he had to let me know that he had even stopped delivering babies!  Boo!  Heartbroken.  I mean, y'all, I love my doctor.  He makes me feel safe.  He talks to me, and listens to me.  He cares about me.  I just love how he was there all the way trying to have Sophia, and then Brayden, and now, here I am in his office explaining my fear of this 3rd baby and how I felt about possibly causing harm to this new one.  I took a test at the office, and it was so light, and he wanted me to do blood work, a quantitative analysis.  Trying to see where my hormones were at, and see if we could pin point my ovulation date and possibly how far along I was.  (I know, TMI, but this is every moment that I want to remember about this time).  My due date was January 28th 2016!  January 28th was Brayden's due date (very strange) So, blood work.  I did a lot of this over the next few weeks.  Every 48 hours that first week and two times a week the next few weeks, every test he would call and give me the results.  My numbers were low, but they were increasing.  It was so exciting.  Did I mention through all of this we were keeping it a secret?!  It was so hard to not tell my
people!  I was feeling good, not really tired anymore, just excited.  I was constantly loving on my
belly, already planning a nursery, and buying shirts for the kids (Big Sister and Big Brother shirts with their names on them).  Aron even started finishing up some projects that have just been hanging around the house.  He was painting baseboards, painting a wall a night, and doing anything to allow me to keep off my feet (such a sweet sweet husband).  I was also soaking up these moments with the kids.  I mean in about 8 months our lives were going to change.  We would be out numbered by the kids, and I just wanted to soak up this time with my most loved girl and guy.  I was laying in the bed with them a little longer, playing in the floor with them a bit more, coloring I love you notes to them, and doing whatever they wanted to do.  It was a great time.

We eventually told all of our family.  We had them all over for a little dinner party, celebrating Brayden's big t-ball season.  We had the kids in Big Sister/ Big Brother shirts, thinking that when everyone walked in they would read the shirts and jump for joy and then, with the whole family there, we would tell the kids what their shirts would say.  Well, our people arrive, and never read the shirts.  I was so crazy that whole time.  I mean, what is wrong with these people?  Do they know how to read?

 Finally, after an hour of waiting for these guys to get it together, we just had to tell them!  They were so surprised.  Then they read the shirts and understood.  Note to self, next time, do not go with shirts!  Ha!  Then, we told the kids what their shirts said.  Sophia was so happy, and Brayden did not care about the news and did not like a group staring at him, and just scowled and looked at the IPAD, it was not what I was looking for, but what can ya do!  There it was.

 All of our people knew!  I was so relieved to be able to talk about it and stop wearing button up things over my tank tops and pregnant belly.  My belly was growing, and just acted like it was at least 3 months along, or had multiples in there!  Ha! 

I did not care, I was proud.  I was growing a person, my person!
So, as the weeks were going by, my numbers were increasing, and Dr Pappas wanted me to go in for an ultrasound.  I went in very excited, and that excitement quickly left when the ultrasound showed no baby and heard no heartbeat.  I.. WAS..DEVASTATED.  I walked out of the office in a daze.  I turned the corner only to run into a momma with her pregnant belly.  She was so happy, walking into the office, and here I was (I mean that was me just about 30 minutes earlier, I was happy momma with a belly) and I just sobbed.  I got to the car, and just sat there for about 15 minutes just crying and praying.  Praying and asking why, and praying that the ultrasound was wrong.  My doctor had said that maybe I was too early, and we would do another ultrasound in a week from that day.  So, with that thought in my head, and my not so great news, I called Aron.  I know some people would have probably waited to tell their spouse that kind of news, but I had to tell him immediately.  To hear is the sadness in his voice and I could not hug him at that moment was the worst.  I let my momma know, and she just tried to stay positive, I needed that, momma's somehow make everything better.  I had discussed the situation with a few friends, and I knew that they were praying over me, but beyond that I was just sitting on our new information.  A few days later I had gone in for blood work and my numbers did not double like they had been doing.  They had increased, just not but much.  My doctor had started talking about if I had any pain or bleeding to call him, take it easy, ect..  I was
trying to go about things like normal, but I was kind of a crazy mess.  I was not focusing on anything.  I did a lot of praying, a lot.  I think that time just helped me get through it, prayer and my Aron.  It is good to have a strong person by your side, even if they are not feeling strong, he acted like it, for me.  I needed that.  As I was trying to keep up my normal, for kids, family, and my job, we had even planned on going on a weekend camping trip.  My doctor was concerned, but since I would not be too far away from him, he was okay with me going, as long as I was taking it easy.
So, off we went.  The kids and I arrived on Friday evening.  Aron already had the site set up.  It was a peaceful time.  The kids played and all was happy for the time being.  The next day the brothers came out with our friend Nicole.  Mom and Dad were supposed to come, but life got in the way, and they ended up not being able to come.  The whole day was so much fun, and it was just what I needed, to be with my people, and it was good for me and good for the soul!  Late that night, as I had gotten the littles in the bed, was getting ready for myself to go to bed, Aron, Jason, and Nicole, were outside laughing and having a good time, the kids began to fight (normal) and I went to the bathroom and as I looked down all I saw was blood.  It was happening.  All I could do was say, no, no, no, please, don't do this, please don't do this.  I just walked out of the camper and it was late y'all and just broke down.  It was so sad.  Sad to be so vulnerable in front of everyone, and it just took a few moments and they all immediately knew what was happening.  All Aron could do was stand there and hug me.  It was probably the worst moment I have ever experienced.  We waited till morning to go home, and I do not think I slept at all that whole night.  I just thought about my number 3.  Girl or boy (ya know, we had decided to not find out), and I thought about names, I thought about the nursery, I even thought about leaving the hospital with the baby.  I was thinking all things happy, me with this baby.  Sunday was long.  My bleeding had stopped during the night, I thought that was positive.
Aron went in for the Monday ultrasound with me, and I just knew that all things would be okay, and we would see our baby.  The ultrasound lasted for what seemed like an hour, and ended with the technician explaining that she did not see anything and she was going to get my doctor.  Aron and I just sat outside the room, just staring and holding hands.  Broken and watching others walk into the office with newborns or pregnant bellies.  All I could do was just look at the wall and hold my belly,
and just be so sad that it was gone.
I ended up having to go in for emergency surgery that day, the doctor was nervous I could have a tubal pregnancy.  He was concerned it could burst and cause big problems for me and for any future babies we may want to have.  So, we checked into the hospital, I mean really was this happening.  This morning, I was having a baby, and now I am having a surgery to possibly remove this baby from my body.  It was so crazy, and not how I expected my day to go.  It was the strangest experience I have ever had.  I ended up not having a tubal pregnancy, that was a praise, we were concerned thinking that there could have been a problem with my fallopian tubes, so to hear that they were in tact was good, but I did end up having a D & C.  I woke up from the procedure not really knowing all that had happened.  When I was finally taken to a room, all I could really do was cry.  The pregnancy was over.  My baby was no longer with me.  My parents were with me for those few minutes, Aron had run home to shower it was so late at night (11, I think), and I know my parents hearts were broken to see me in this physical and emotional pain.  I really wanted this baby friends.  I had been planning my life with this baby in it.
The rest of my hospital stay was quiet.  I would cry throughout the night, and talk with my nurses, and it was strange that each one of my nurses had also had this same thing happen to them (some of the multiple times).  They knew my pain, and knew exactly how I was feeling.  It is so strange how God puts certain people in your path.  He knew I needed these women at this time.  Some would even pray over me, and they were just so kind and loving.
All last week, I just stayed at home, and in bed.  My bed, in the dark.  I would just sleep, only really got up to eat, and talk to the kids and Aron when they would get home.  I just wanted to be alone and not really talk.  It has been 10 days.  My physical pain is easing, but my heart is still heavy.  My once pregnant belly is now just a shell with nothing in it.  I still catch myself rubbing it, it kind of soothes me, but then it is just sad to know that my baby is not in there.  I've even been out and about and those brave people that ask if your expecting or when are you due have been put in my path, and to spare them the awkward moment I tel them I'm due in January and we are very excited for a third baby!  I am not sure how long I will feel like this.  Aron has said that we can try again, but I am so scared at the thought that this could happen again.  I am not sure what our future will be like, will we try again.  I guess I just need some time.
God has a plan for our family.  I do not know why this has happened, and I am not sure that I will ever understand.  I do know that God is with me, watching over me, and is holding me in the palm of His hand.  He will not leave me.  He has got this.  I appreciate all of the prayers from our family and friends, you have no idea how much they are felt.  I have even had many girl friends, women I've known for years share their experiences, and I now know that I'm not alone, it gives me peace but then makes my heart sad for the women that have gone through this more than once or have gone through this an do not have a Sophia and Brayden to come home to. It feels good to know that we have so many peopl who care about us.  We love you all!