Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Feeling Thankful

Well, I am averaging one post a month as of late.  Over five years ago, I started this blog to ramble.  I am a rambler, it is just what I do, and I am okay with that.  Then the littles came and I have been able to ramble on and on and on and on.... about them.  They are my heart, I love them and love talking about them and documenting their every move, sound, and sweet things (or not so sweet things) that they do.  I love this blog so much.  It is my insides smeared out on paper for all to read.  It is pretty honest (some of the 10s of you that read, it sometimes makes you uncomfortable), but that is just how I am take it or leave it (but I hope ya just take it).
Anyways, as my life has gotten busier over the past year, the documenting has definitely taken a back seat, and it makes me so sad!  Yes, all of my memories are in my head, but I am oh so forgetful, and my days are filled with such happy funny things that I must start putting it all down.  I want my people, my family, my friends, to be able to remember these times, these sweet sweet moments that carried me through bad days, sad days, days when I felt like I could just not go on anymore.  It is so refreshing to be able to go back and see what we were doing this time last year, or going back 5 years ago and learning that at this time we were finding out we were finally having a little one, oh I am so glad that I have that information.  I have not been good with the baby books, but this online journaling has been wonderful to be able to go through.
Since this is a month of "thankfulness" it seems so fitting that I title the post, Feeling Thankful.  Yes, the past months have been super busy.  Sometimes I wake in the morning, I am in such a rush to get Larry and Moe out of the door to school, get to work, lunch, pick up kids, trade cars, Bible study, dinner prep, love on my husband (keeping this PG people), playing with the babies, the dog (geez, I always forget my first little love), clean (lies), shower, children's choir, call family, Razorbacks, friends, it is a lot (not bragging, just saying, I am busy)!  Two weeks ago everything just kind of stopped.  Maybe not stopped, but slowed way down, and gave me a clear vision on what is most important, and maybe some of the things that were not really in my full attention.
So, two Sundays ago, I woke up like any other day (5 am, by two tiny people begging for milk and to ready to tell me about their dreams).  I wake up, think we will soon get ready for the day.  I go shower, and I felt something strange.  Not like a cramp, or gas or something, but something strange.  A lump under my arm, arm pit and right at my chest.  It was strange.  Kind of bean shaped.  I just stood there in a panic and just felt the spot for what felt like hours.  As I stood in the water (I guess maybe I secretly thought that I could just get it to rinse off in the shower, and that did not help).  I did not do the normal thing like tell my husband or call my momma or use a "phone a friend", I just kind of went through my morning motions with the lump taking over my full attention.  All day, I would just touch it, magically thinking that it would go away, and I am sure Aron caught me a few times just thinking that I look kinda like a ape scratching myself....

I was emotionally and quietly a mess.  All day I was talking to God.  Fully knowing that He is in total and full control of my life and every moment that happens.  He knows all of my steps before I even think of taking them.  Even though I know that (with all of my being), my mind would still wander off to dark places.  I would find myself sitting with Red and playing with Barbies thinking would I be here next year to be playing in the floor with her.  I was sitting with Brayden and thinking that if something happened to me would he remember me when he is older.  I would quietly look at Aron and wonder how he would emotionally be able to handle things, if this lump was really something.  Would he be able to hold himself, me, my littles together?  It was a rough day, and my mind was just rambling on and on, and I just wanted to turn it off and just be.

The whole day went on, turned into night, and then into Monday.  Monday was just strange.  Work came and it was a great distraction from the thoughts that were going through my head.  I still had not told anyone about the lump (for fear I was turning the lump into a molehill, or a mountain, I forget what they say, but it is something like that).  However, on that night, I really was more intentional with my moments.  When I saw Aron, I hugged him longer and squeezed him tighter.  I sat with the my babies and just stared at them.  Really soaked them in.  It is a strange feeling to think that something could possibly be wrong with you, with your body, and that you are not totally in control of it.  That night after everyone went to sleep, I got on my knees and prayed, prayed with tears and laid it all out there for God.  I prayed for health, and that everything please be okay in my body.  I prayed for strength to get through the week and whatever the outcome maybe.  After my prayer time I did feel better, and I knew that I would have to call the doctor in the morning.

That morning, I woke up took the kids to school and called the doctor.  I was feeling pretty good that I was able to get into see her the following day.  I had reached out to some of my girlfriends from church and had them start praying.  I know, I did not tell my husband or family, but my girlfriends, yes, this is different, but they were who I felt most comfortable talking to (really a email).  I knew that if I asked them to pray, they would start right then and would pray until I asked them to stop.  I felt covered and comforted knowing that I was not totally alone. On Wednesday I went in for my visit, and the doctor walked in talking about my lump but was calling it a mass.  Geez Louise, nothing worse than a physician calling your lump a mass, it was the worst.  She felt it and confirmed that it was there.  So there ya have it.  Now, two people saw and felt the lump.  Me and the doctor.
She filled a prescription for me, an antibiotic (in case the lump was a lymph node that was infected) and I could immediately begin taking that) and then scheduled an appointment for Friday to get an ultrasound done.

I went home feeling very overwhelmed.  I walked in the door, Aron asked how my appointment was and I fell apart.  I told him what had been going on and he just looked at me and hugged me telling me it was going to be okay, and I believed him.  His voice sounds very convincing.  I was convinced I tell ya.  Later that night, we took the kids to church and dropped in at my parents house to fill them in.  They were all positive that it would be okay.  It felt good to have that support and I really began to feel that no matter what I was going to be okay (my people said so).

So, I had some time to think about my time.  Was I spending it wisely.  Am I present in my moments with my husband.  Am I really here with my children, or am I Facebooking when one of them wants me to play Ninja Turtles or Barbies?  I was totally immersed in these moments.  I was thinking, by this time next week, I could be told that I might have something (something that was as bad as saying Voldemort out loud, and I was NOT ready to say that word out loud).  I rocked Brayden one night, and rocked him for an hour longer than I really needed to.  I sat at dinner and found my self in a trance looking at Sophia and thinking of what she would be like when she is 10 or 20.  I wondered about what things would be like if I was sick, would we still have moments just like this.  I really just wanted time to stop.  I just wanted to be with them, my little family, in our little brick house, and be shut out from everything else.

Friday came and as I was laying in the bed, I reached for my lump and it was a gone, very sore and tender but gone. I began feeling every nook and cranny that it could go hide, and it was doing a good job, because it was gone.  Relief and confusion, but I just went with it.  My momma drove me up to the hospital.  It was weird getting the little id bracelet, and talking to the checker in lady about what I was getting seen for.  Once again, the Lord placed certain people in my way because that checker in lady reached over her desk took my hands and prayed with me.  I do not know about y'all but prayer calms me.  If it calms me and my nerves, it will probably do the same for someone else, so take a moment and do it for someone in need.  I get undressed and lay down and the technician does the ultrasound.  SHE...SHOWS... NO...EMOTION!!  Really!  I ask her to blink 3 times if she sees something questionable, and she held her eyes open for so long, I thought those eyeballs may fall out.  It was crazy odd and kind of fascinating to see (I kind of wanted to time her, seriously, Guinness Book of World Records people)!

That afternoon, I received a phone call saying that whatever was there was gone.  It was probably an infection of some sort.  I can still watch it, but the ultrasound showed nothing.  I have never been so happy, so relieved.  I called my people and shared my news and the sound in their voices, well I could just tell their happiness.

So, with this month being Thanksgiving, with a heavy emphasis on thankfulness, I am truly feeling thankful.  So thankful for my health, I know that sometimes I take it for granted, but now I am so grateful to be okay and healthy.  I am thankful for my people.  My husband and my babies, and my family.  Picturing my time with them being cut short, or with something unexpected to deal with over that week, really opened my eyes to the little moments that I may have been overlooking.  I sometimes feel like I am just going through the motions.  Always in a rush to get kids dressed, get through traffic, rush through a phone call, rush through bedtime.... and for what?  What is all the rush about?  I need to be soaking in these moments, because at any moment it could be taken away from me, and I do not ever EVER want to look back and think, "man, I really wish I would have slowed down and enjoyed the little things".  I am thankful for my friends.  My friends that I know I can reach out to and will drop everything to pray for me and will offer to come and sit with me where ever I am needing them to be.  It is so good to be loved and to really feel that you are loved, and I know that with my friends.  As if that is not enough to be thankful for, I am thankful for my salvation and the relationship that I have with my Jesus.  I know that I know that I know, that He is with me and that I am His.  He is with me all of the time, and I am never alone.  He gives me peace when I feel I have none and brings calm to my life when I am feeling all out of sorts.  He also hears my prayers.  I know that He heard me when I called on that Sunday night.  He read all of my thoughts throughout the week.  He had that situation and will have every situation that happens in my life.

There ya have it 10s of people, I am so thankful.  My days are different, my moments are sweeter, and I am just soaking up this time.  Who knows how long we have on this earth?  All I know is I am so so  grateful....