Thursday, April 19, 2018

Howdy.... Mr. Gooberstein!

Y'all, after yesterday, I was really needing Thursday to be a little less flashy (if ya know what I mean)!  I just wanted to wake up (on time and have time to shave my legs... that is never gonna happen), the kids listen to my every command (ha, I anxiously await for this day... maybe when they are older), I would prepare a big ole country breakfast (ha... what am I Cracker Barrel?), we get to school on time (that would be a first for the week), my work day is easy (actually, the day at work was good), I would come home and prepare a healthy dinner (tonight was courtesy of the Chick-fila), we all get a hot shower (I am too sleepy for that... but the kids are clean), and the maid put fresh sheets on the bed (our maid kinda sucks... because I am the maid).  A girl can wish... right?
Anyways, to avoid another moment where I show off my ole bitty to the 2nd Street masses, I decided to wear my best pair of Spank (they are not flattering but if an onlooker caught a viewing they would think I looked very slimmed down) and I paired them with a long skirt (the wind would def have a hard time blowing that thing up).  I felt very secure on my walk in the building this morning, and I did not even acknowledge the traffic sitters... for fear that they may be returners from Wednesday's viewing hoping for an encore performance....
#NotTodayPeople #NotToday
My day was busy, and a bonus was picking up the kids from childcare.  The manfriend is on call, and that means that I play single momma for the evening... until he drives his truck back to his work in the morning.  After work, we paid a visit to Honey and G's house... my momma is having a bit of a dental procedure in the morning, and we wanted to wish her and her teeth well.  After our lil chit chat, we picked up some dinner and headed on home.  Lemme just let y'all now, when you roll in my car, the heat is probably on!  My people are aware of this and they are constantly telling me they are sweating or are going to be sick.  This usually ends with me not turning off the heat (I know, I am the worst) and I just tell them to roll down the window.  Welp, the kids both had their window down on our drive home.  As we are pulling into our neighborhood, I make a quick turn onto our street.  As we approach the house, I can already see my next door neighbor closing up his mailbox.
This is kinda where our story takes off...
Our next door neighbor.
He and his wife are just a delight.
Literally, de-light-ful.
I picture an evening with him to be filled with encyclopedia reading, wine sniffing, and discussing the present danger of our economic well being because of the creation of the Bitcoin.
(I wish there was an emoiji of a Steve Urkeley type guy pushing his glasses up his nose and snorting... it should also make the snorting sound.  This shall be a new emoji, with sound... is that a thing yet?)
Anyway, the neighbor.  He is actually a nice guy.  He waves when we see him and even talks to the kids when they speed by him on their bikes.
He seems to like the kids, but I do not think that he is a fan of mine.
Ya see, on this blog, I love to keep it reals with the tens of you reading.  However, with that being said, I have never blogged about a lil story from a 4th of July party a few years ago (because I am embarrassed and knew for sure that I would lose a friend or my driving privileges).
Picture it.  It is the 4th, and we have invited all of our family and friends over.  We were having such a fun time and the night was winding down with some fireworks in the driveway.  I am just keeping it real when I say that I had a few drinks (they were not of the dainty size, but they were also not of the man size either).  Everyone was safe, and honestly, I have not really had that much to drink since.  So, the fireworks are happening, and everyone is watching.... but my concern is the manfriend's truck.  It was close to the driveway and I just pictured a bottle rocket being shot at it, (we did not even have any bottle rockets, so why this is a concern... I have no idea) and then pictured the truck blowing up (it is so dumb the thoughts that I have when I have a drink... this is why I am not really a drinker).  I take it upon myself to back the truck up away from the house... just down the sidewalk a skoatch (rhymes with roach with a sk on the front).  I am in reverse, looking in my mirror, reversing, looking, watching the family and friends watch me and KA-BLUE-EEE!  I ran over the neighbors mailbox!
Hastag.... I.... DIE!
Everyone just stood there holding their sparklers... staring.
I just sat there with the truck sitting on the mailbox.
It was ridic.
Man friend just stood there with his head down just shaking his head in disbelief.
Then Brayden, "mommy, you ran over that mailbox"!
(As if I did not know, but why is he yelling it so loud.... a bit reminiscent  of Dennis the Menace yelling for Mr. Wilson)
There was laughter and my face was so red.  In fact I immediately started sweating!
I moved the truck forward, figuring that was good enough, and turned it off.  At that moment, I evaluated the damage and actually thought..... ehhhh, maybe they won't even notice.
They did not come home that night.
I waited up for them, afraid they would come home and call the police and then I would be arrested and placed in Benton County jail.  Ugh, I would not do well there.  I know I look Cross-Fitterish.... but really I am like whomp-whomp!
Anyways, they get home in the morning, and I could just see the neighbor outside trying to stand up the crushed mailbox (geez, even I did not try to do that.... did he think that would work).  I went out... in my robe (not because I was trying to come onto him, just because that is what I was wearing, and let's be real.... my robe is of the terrycloth nature, old, and aqua, and had spilled tea on the front.  I am sure at no time during our convo was he looking at me thinking this chick is so into me... #JustSaying)
I explained the sitch to him.  He stared at me with much disapproval in his eye.  I was ashamed and wanted him to call the cops just to get me out of the conversation.  I told him that I would order him a new mailbox and would have it installed... which I did (within 4-5 business days).
Let's just say, he has never really spoken to us since.  He is always looking at me like I am possibly still under the influence doing hit and runs on mailboxes in the neighborhood.  In fact, he and the Flanders from around the corner probably get together and exchange cat stories.  #SoundsThrilling
To this day, I always smile and wave at him.
All that to lead me up to this evening...
The kids and I are in the car, driving towards the house when I see the neighbor at his super fancy mailbox, purchased by yours truly...
I say in the car (in the privacy of my own car).... "oh kids, there is Mr. Gooberstein!"
I am just being silly.
Obvi his name is not "Gooberstein"
My children, who take me at my word, without a second thought, yell out the window.....
It is so loud and so clear and they are just a smiling and a waving!!
I am pulling in the driveway, internally dying.  Saying his name is not gooberstein... trying to roll up the windows, and he just stops and stares at us!
It is time all tens of you know.... I say silly things.  I like to try to be funny (sometimes it works other times it is not a success).  I am a nice girl... loving, caring, a nurturer for sure.  Today... I name called someone and my littles actually listened to me (seriously.... like when do they ever do that??)
I did not get onto them, because this was completely my fault.
Then to make matters worse,  the kids were concerned that I am name calling  people and made them name call!
For sure.... he hates me.
We called the neighbor a goober-stein... the "Frankenstein of Goobers"?
How does this even happen?
This is prob why I do not have lotza friends.
I wonder if Mr. Gooberstein likes pie??

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