Wednesday, July 16, 2014

This is my life......

First of all, let me just start this post with a bit of a warning for the 10s of people that read this blog.  I am pretty sure that there are at least 10 (mostly family, some of my most loved friends, and sometimes a office pal (but I think they just read to make sure that I am not saying anything nasty about anyone I work with).  Anyways, to the 10s of readers.... you may want to not read the post if any of the next few things make you uncomfortable....
1.  words that rhyme with fenstruation (not really a word, but it rhymes with the word, ya dig?)
2.  if you feel you may not be able to look me in the eyeballs tomorrow because I typed the word in #1 and the fact that I may be "fenstruating", then you should probably come on back tomorrow.
3.  if you do not enjoy a good chuckle at someone else's expense, well then..... have you read my blog ever??
Anyways, let me begin by saying, today has been a good day.  Today has been a good day.  (I know that I just made that statement two times, I am really trying to believe it)!  This is going to be a bit of a story, so go grab your cola and get comfy, because this story is at least a 4 paragrapher...
Today started like any other day.  I wake, I dress, I chat with my loves, my sister came over this morning to watch the littles, stopped at my beloved Sonic for my Route 44 Vanilla Coke, and I ho, I ho, it's off to work I go.  It was going to be a bit of a dirty day at work, we are moving into a new building soon, but first the inside of the building we are moving to is being redone, and there is just a lot of things that are currently in the "soon to be" work space that have to be moved about for painting and carpeting to take place. (seriously major run-on sentence)  Well, our team headed to the building and moved some things around for a few hours.... nothing like a bit of manual labor to get your blood a pumpin' in the morning (am I right, or am I right).  I'm obviously dressed to impress on days like this.  Sporting my best pair of leggings, a racer back tank, and a sports bra that really offers not even an iota of support that the bubbies really need (it is old and my really good one is dirty).  PTL for a hooded black jacket that matched my awesome leggings.  (FYI, hooded jackets in the middle of summer in super hot office building = a whole heap-a hot mess (and afro-ish hair).  I'm just gonna be honest (since I am all about honesty here at Sophia+1) I'm not a gal that is into sweat, I do not sweat, I glisten (it sounds nicer, like ladies glisten) well, I was glistening like a pig!  There were even a few times that I was walking past team members thinking, sweet holy moly did they use deoderant this morning?  (Hello, it just may have been me!)  So the morning is filled with a shufflin' and a movin' then a glistenin', all fun things that you want to do before a full days work.  We ended our "clean up" before noon and our boss asked us to all go to lunch (BONUS), I'm obvi wanting to go, I just want to go to a place that has little to no dress code (a hole in the wall place that is a little off the beaten path that I would see not a soul that I know), ummm, no, we go to a well known pizza establishment at straight up noon.  FYI, it was the busiest place in town today!!  So, sweaty, pizza, and then I am beginning to feel a little crummy.  My back was hurting and I was just thinking well this is just fantastic, I should not have acted like a weight lifter trying to carry as much as the boys in the office (such an over achiever).  I tried to enjoy my meal, really I did, but all I could think about was a nice hot shower and 2 Advils to follow, but I stayed.  It was good.  I left happy.  So, I ride home with my friend, we'll just call her Susan (because that is her name and nothing really rhymes with Susan, so sorry Susan, I used your real name).  I get back to the office and my stomach is cramping and my back is hurting, it is not fun.  We get back, and I go back to the bathroom (which I may mention has 3 people sitting right outside the door at a table having a meeting, I know, awkward set up for a meet and greet and a potty, but I do not do floor layouts, whatev).
FYI, this is where the story takes a bit of a turn.... don't say I did not warn ya.
Read at your own Risk!!
So, I turn on the fan and the water (bc I hate for ANYONE to hear me pee, I have been like this for years), and I pull down my pants and HELLO, fa-reeking murder scene in my pants.  I... DIE!  Seriously?  My period?  Honestly, I have really been thinking that I was pg, four weeks late and all.... a little sad, but I guess it was not meant to be.  Anyways, back to the scene.  I am in a work bathroom, which is not stocked with any lady products and it is not like I had any with me, so I am trying to "Build-A-Pad" with all of the toilet paper in the bathroom.  Did I mention that people are right outside of the door, I could hear their whole conversation.  I am sure that they were thinking she prob has diarrhea or something.  So, I am stuffing my pants (which kinda sounds funny when you type that out), and leave the bathroom.
*I know that some of you are a little shocked right now.  I mean I have just let the cat out of the bag that women menstruate, and one of those women is ME!
Back to the story.  I casually walk back through the office (like I am totally not sporting a whole roll of t.p. down there)...FYI, that ain't easy.  I go right to my purse to grab it and my keys and leave!  Maybe they would not even notice that I left the office for the day at 1:30, sure, that is so normal.  I dig around in this bucket bag of a purse of mine and hummmmm, no car keys.  I mean, why would they be in my purse so I can easily access them and drive home.... immediately!  Ridic!
So, I walk up to unsuspecting co-worker (we will call him Lenny) and ask for the work car keys (I rode in the work car to the restaraunt, my keys are probably in there).  Grab 'em then out I dash. Only to be stopped by my friend (we'll call her Alissa) she was running off to a meeting and reminded me about or birthday get together at 1:45 (ya see, I needed to be there since I have a July birthday, hello, there was cookie cake)!  Oh, yeah, yeah, I will be there, no prob (there go my plans to duck out early, shower, and lay on my bed.... whomp whomp).  Now, to the car. After a quick search, I locate the keys, and then think OMGoodness, I am going to have to walk back in there to grab my purse.  Forget it.  I go to my car and open the console.  PTL, I find a P.L. (panty liner) that is the thickness of a twin size mattress (surely I have had since the year 2010, the packaging was faded and the sticky to the wrapper was not even sticking), and ta-da a pair of back up panties!  Cha-ching.  (I always have an extra pair around, seeing as how I never did my keegles when I was pg.....I loathe exercising)!  Now, I am in a predicament.  Do I go back to the bathroom (where I was just at less than 10 minutes ago) which is being surrounded by the longest meeting eva? or do I go to the next building, where only 1 lady works (she has her own bathroom and I had just passed her in the other building)... decisions.  So, I grad the twin mattress, my purple stripped back up panties, and a 401K booklet that I was given the day before to review (FYI, I was carrying that to hide items 1 and 2).  I fast walk to empty office building and get cleaned up.  Really, it was a quick and easy fix and there was still time to get back to the office for cake, no one would ever know (except for the 3 of you still reading).  I grab my book and my murder drawers, I could have never put them in the trash, would have died if anyone ever saw them, and I casually walk to the door to exit the building.  All things were fine, no one was in the building, I am approaching the glass door with book and such in my hands when one of the owners walks to the other side of the door.  Sweet Lord.  I wanted to just turn around, but that would have been super strange, could not reach for the door because murder pants would be viewed, and he opens I am thinking he will move out of the way and let me by (he obvi thinks the same thing) and we are just like doing a very odd back and forth step up step back.  He asks how I am doing?  Things okay?  We are still stepping, I'm not making eye contact, it. felt. like. I. was. standing. there. for. hours..  I eventually just walked by like I was in a huff (totally sure I looked like a nut job, and it probably looked like I was stealing, seeing as how my book was covering up my other hand).
I just walked quickly to my car, threw in my stuff, and tried to go about the rest of my day.
The rest of the day just drug out, ya ever have one of those days?
I wish I was still at the beach.
Stuff like this, def doesn't happen at the beach.
Tomorrow is another day.....


Angie said...

Oh my god, I'm dying. I know it's not funny but it's SO funny. Bless your heart! If it makes you feel any better, I'm not family or a crazy co-worker and I'm still reading!!!

The Perfect Choice said...

I love reading your post Caryn. And that was some day!