Sunday, March 4, 2018

I Can't Sleep....

Ever since my encounter.... with the possible anaconda, I have been sitting in the living room with my knees pulled up to my bubbies.  I just cannot go back into my bathroom, like ever.  I have been Zillow searching since 830 (as if anyone in the Btown is anxious to move into the snake pit in which we inhabit)!  Ugh... of all of the things to show up.
Oh... are we not friends on the Facebook?  Okay, let me set this up for the 10s of you reading tonight!
I am just gonna lay it out there for ya... it has been a nice day in the house of Foresee.  We took my Moss (that means grandmother in the land of Curry... my people) to church.  It was a nice sermon, we had communion, man friend stole the juice cup (only because he did not know what to do with it... yes, frans... he got a souvie at the Methodist Church.... I am so obsessed with him because he is funny)!  Seriously though, he whipped it out of his pocket at the Harps like, what am I supposed to do with this.  I just stood there in the chip aisle with a judgey face... you just stole from the church (picture that being said in a kinda higher pitch voice and me all bug eyed)!  He was so upset after I told him he was supposed to put it on the back of the pew (where you find the pencil, hymnal, and extra offering envelope)... poor kid, he was so concerned about the kids trying to pass the plate of bread and juice that he just drank and pocketed his lil glass.
Anyways, so we pick up a few necessary items to make a sandwich... you know, the bread, lettuce, turkey, a tomatoe, Cheetos, get home and start to make the sandwiches but we forgot the fa-reeking bread!  Slap-my-head!  That was the whole point of the store stop, because the bread we have expired last week, but we still keep it on the counter... why, I am not sure, but we do!  Well, I ate my sandwich on the expired bread, even almost finished it until my bite had a bit of green on it (great- I ate mold).  Ah-mazing! (Insert smirking emoji face)
Well, the day was getting ready to improve, because we started delivering some of the 201 boxes of Girl Scout cookies all over town!  If you are reading this and we owe you cookies, please do not worry, we will be contacting you soon... very soon!  After nearly 2 hours of driving, cookie sortin' in the car, and delivery we decided it was best to go home.  We were getting a little restless, the kids started complaining about thirst and hunger (don't worry, I let them drink from man friends water bottle... I am sure they will all have the strep throat by the week end), and honestly I just could not make any more change from my coin purse!  People are not fans of checks anymore and all they have are $20s and $50s!  I felt so bad, I actually handed a lady 2 dollars in dimes and nickles that I scraped from the bottom of my purse (2 of them as I was counting them out had a strange sticky gummy substance with a hair attached.... I dry heaved a bit (in my head) and she just took the 20 cents!  Ha!
Back to the day, we get home, it is dinner, so I am rushing around trying to fix food, wash clothes, and clean up pee (the pupply likes to be walked but really only likes to pee in front of my laundry room... ick)!  So, I am in a rush, trying to make some amazing meals, stepped in pee (and I normally always wear shoes... fear of the dreaded pee step) but today I was in socks... and I hate wet socks!  Of course, I took it out on man friend!  I know, I know, he did not do anything!  I am just a crazy person!  He was even doing his best to distract the kids with playing basketball!  Ugh, if I could just go back in time and make the 5 o'clock hour a happier time, I would!  Tomorrow will be better!
So, we eat, we are watching tv- I am completely enthralled with this Billy Graham special, and I am having a come to Jesus moment, because the man is just powerful with his speaking... and it is a commercial break and I walk into my bedroom (to see my children and man friend completely relaxed), I put on my sweatpants and begin walking to the bathroom.... and I notice a brown shoestring on the bathroom floor.  Hummmmm, that is a strange shoestring that is brown and not even in a shoe.  Huuuuuummmmmm, maybe it is not a string but a long piece of brown grass.  (These are the thoughts I am thinking to myself).
Well.... since it is obvi a shoestring or a oddly placed piece of grass, I take a step closer to the door, and the fa-reeking shoestring picks up his head and looks at me and smiles!!!
I... DIE!
I know what you are thinking... that is an incredibly good picture of the shoestring/ snake.  You should be a animal photographer.... well friends, I just got this off the internets, but this is what the snake looks like in my memory!
It was the size of an anaconda/ pixie stix and it had yellow demon eyes... they glowed like yellow demon eyes.  I think you get the picture.
So, I take a step back and y'all know I peed my pants... because this girl cannot move quick or see a snake without the loss of bladder control... 
I yell like a crazy person.... it's a snake... it's a snake!  I am even jumping a bit, which is something I have been unable to do for months (since my time on Broke Leg Mountain), and I am def feeling the pain as I sit scrunched up in this chair... going on 3.5 hours.... ugh I so need to pee)!
The snake even looked at me and waved... like a jerky snake that has been lounging about my house all day!  #SoundsCrazy #SinceSnakesDontHaveArms #ButThisOneWasDifferent #ItWavedAndSmirked
The kids and the man friend jump up... because well, I yelled snake.  The man gets closer... that's right he and the snake were eye to eye... I am pushing the kids back because hello, the reach of an anaconda is like a lot... oh, yeah, and I am holding the dog back (since he is prone to panic attacks and I just could not get him all upset too)!
My guy, my BIG brave guy, steps back thinking what on earth will I do to protect my family (these were probably not his thoughts, these are the thoughts that I am thinking that he would be thinking... 9 times out of 10 I have no idea what he is thinking, but I bet that is it).  Well, Big Brave (this would be his Indian name... for sure) steps back and picks up......wait for it..... a white t-shirt.
A white t-shirt?
I know what you are thinking.....
Is he going to wave the white shirt like it is a flag saying we give up.. we surrender?
Is he getting dressed to leave?
Is he going to now start putting away laundry??
I...Don't... Know....
Then, he grabs his tenny pump (aka tennis shoe, but if you grew up with my mother or her mother, you might call a tennis shoe a tenny pump... I digress).
Next thing I know, he throws the shirt over the snake.
Then he just starts trying to smush the thing.
Okay, all you animal lovers that are gonna start un-friending me or leaving mean comments on the blog... welp, g'on ahead and do that, we will see what you do when you are staring down the eyeballs of an anaconda in your bathroom.
Anyways, my hero, killed the beast.
I had already saved the children and dogs, pushed us all in the living room, and decided I hadn't heard the slamming of a shoe in a few.  I opened the door and saw the snake still a squiggling... ugh, it still gives me chills.
My hero pushes past me (not in an aggressive way where I would ever call the 5-0, just in a way where he was getting stuff done and I was in his path.  He comes around the corner with a roll of Bounty paper towels.
Yes, y'all, the thicker-quicker-picker upper!
He picked up that snake like it was a piece of poop y'all!
he is not gonna like that I posted this picture... but honey, it is okay, only like 10 people will even see it

I have never seen anything like it before in my whole entire life.
So.... there ya have it.  This is my Sunday, and I just cannot wait to see what Monday brings.  If it brings another anaconda..... me and the fam are moving to my parents!


Diane Thompson said...

You totally crack me up! I began following you years ago through Kelly's Korner. I feel like I know so many people from Bville. lol You should seriously write books. Please allow me to follow you on Instagram.

Anonymous said...

Loved the story, but hate you had to contend with a reptile!!!! I dislike frogs, snakes, and lizards immensely. I shudder if I see those creepy lizards just lazing outside or on my window screens. I am afraid they will always get in.... Be careful and tread lightly lady...I do so enjoy reading your blog so keep writing and more!!
GiGi from Ga.

Kim K said...

This is my worst nightmare--no matter the size!