Friday, August 30, 2013

Leaping Lizards!

Exciting news at our house!  We have a lizard.  Wha?  A lizard?  Yes, a lizard.
So picture it, I'm casually walking away from the three amigos as they have just started eating their lunch.  I am thinking, great... They are busy and I can go to the bathroom by myself, for about a minute.  So, i casually back away (you cannot make any sudden movements away from these people, so my moves are slow) I get through the kitchen and turn the corner look on the ground in front of me and notice all of the toys that I am getting ready to jump over, until I notice the Buzz Light year doll and a shoe, but something is running from the shoe.... A lizard.
This is no regular lizard, it was about 2 feet long (and by 2 feet long, I mean it was about 4 inches long), and it was quick and black (kind of like a ninja lizard)!  I stand there trying not to scream (I don't want to scare the children) and my scream... so I just buried my scream deep in my body, so deep, so deep down that it obviously hit my bladder and caused me to pee.  Yes, for the Love, I peed, right there in the living room.  Once I realized the severity of the situation I darted to the bathroom while "ninja lizard" scurried towards the couch.  I get to the bathroom, change super quick and run back to the scene.
Then I start thinking..... How on earth will I catch this guy?
The thought of touching it makes me want to vomit, and I just don't think it would be humane to just spray Glass Plus at it in hopes that its tiny ninja lizard lungs would fill up and he would die.  Wha?  I know, I'm heartless, so sue me.
Anyways, I start calling all of my ICE people (in case of emergency people).
I call Aron..
My mother (4times, not 1 answer)
my brother(s)
(Richard eventually answered and said he would come, but he did not sound like he was really into this adventure and Jason has since then called and informed me that lizards bite (although it would not hurt and that catching a lizard with oven mits was ridic and maybe I should rethink my situation).
my husband again
and my dad
(my father has called me only to laugh (belly laugh) at my problem and to say.... "he will eventually come out"  umm thanks dad... gotta let you go cause I am fa-reeking out at the thought of this creature making yet another unexpected appearance at my house!)
All of these calls and no answers.
Praise be to Jesus I was not having a heart attack.
(Why even have a cell phone people, if you are not going to answer it!?)
I started looking up animal control, when my friend, Erin called.
I answered in a panic, instructing her to abort any previous plans she had and book it to this "zoo house" I am living in.  Amazingly enough, she was just down the street from our house (totally a Jesus thing)!  So she gets to the house (only giving me enough time to throw my pee pants in the laundry room).  So, I rush to the door, I'm sure she thought I looked crazier than an outhouse rat (because I am wearing 2 oven mits.... Hello, I now call them ninja lizard catchers).  She comes in with her 16 month old little man, and does not bat an eye when I tell her how she must find it and dispose of him.  I let her know how I had lost visual contact with the perp (why ever I'm writing like I'm a lead detective on some cop show), and that it could be anywhere.  Y'all, Erin is so brave.  She asked for a flashlight and immediately started flipping cushions, picking up furniture, and assisting me to move the fridge.  After about 30 minutes of looking, no lizards have been found.
She was even looking online to see how to catch a lizard in your house.  She gave me such helpful tips as...
1.  Lizards like light asnd dark areas (ummm, okasy).
2.  Lizards are good to have around because they would eat bugs and such (oh, well okay then)  Oddly enough, my friend Christie B agrees with this advice and that I should not be alarmed!
3.  Also, if i just opened up my doors and windows the lizard may eventually get out (yeah, he may get out or his buddies may come in!
Erin has since left, and I am just sitting in this house waiting for him to just run across the couch, my leg, a child?
I am just positive when we go out tomorrow, the lizard is going to give birth in this house (under the couch) and we will have a menagerie of lizards.
That's just all I need, a husband, babies, a dog, and lizards. Bah!
He could be anywhere.... Just watching my every move.
Why does this kind of stuff happen to me?

1 comment:

Angie said...

Oh my gosh, I've laughed and laughed. It's funny...although if it was in my house it would NOT be funny!!!!

Hope you find it soon