I know... I know! Caryn, where have you been?
cleaning (yea right), 20 year reunion stuff, and after everyone finally goes to bed I sit down with the best of intentions to blog our lives... but I go to sleep! #ImTheWorst #ButImRested #HashTagsAreDumb
Anyways, excuses are out there, but tonight I am back, and I might even blog tomorrow. (I probably just jinxed myself).
Just keeping it reals here (cause that is kinda my thing), but I have been struggling! BIG TIME. Before I put this out there into the universe, know that I love this whole mom gig... it makes me happy, my children are my life, they are the reason I get up (literally the reason... 2, 3 am they are standing at the side of the bed telling me they just went to the bathroom and they want to get in between me and the man friend), I would walk through fire for these people, I am truly obsessed! With all of the passionate mom/ love stuff, these people make me crazy, like nut job, whack-a-doo cray! The past week has just thrown me for a loop.
1. Possibly due to the time change? Probably not since that happened forever ago?
2. Possibly due to it is almost summer and they are just over the whole schedule thing? Hope it is not that, because during the summer this chick will be working and still have them on a schedule.
3. Possibly they just think that they are the boss and I have no control? Yes, this is most certainly the case as of late!
Ugh.. the arguing (not so much with each other but with me)... problem is I engage, as if I will change their mind if I am arguing! So ridic! I am arguing with a 7 year old and a 6 year old! They will not let me win.
I tell them to do something and it is like a joke!
Me... go to your room
child.... nooooo, you just don't love me at all and don't want to see me
me... ?? just stand there puzzled. Thinking where did they pick that up?
I take away toys... I take away the ipad (I hate that thing)... and nothing!
Tonight, Red hit little man in the eye (she says by accident, he says accident/shmaxident). I tell her to go to her room, and we stand there arguing about her going to her room. She is not listening, then I start saying in my loud mom voice how no one listens to me (note to the 10s of readers... I say this all day long). Minutes go by and the only person that ends up in their room is me! I'm the momma!
How does that even happen?
Red somehow Jedi mind tricks me and I ended up in my room?
I start stripping off my clothes (keepin' this PG y'all) and put on a t-shirt (which is inside out, and smelled sour... yuck), some sweat pants, socks, and shoes, and I just told Aron I am leaving...
As I am walking out the door, I yelled at him that he better not follow me!
(Once again... nut job!)
As I stand in the garage, thinking it is a little chilly and I should just retreat back into my bedroom, I just set off for a walk! I needed to regain my composure... I am sure the 10s of you reading have never had to take a step back and reflect on the past few minutes that made you turn into a crazy parent!
So, I walk, not like a slow calming walk, it was like a super fast walk, almost a jog, but not that fast (ya dig)?
Walking, and thinking... and honestly a lil bitta panting (keepin' it reals)
Then after about 15 minutes of me storming the mean streets of B-town, I just started talking (and to the passer-byers, I am sure I looked certifiable), but I just did not care anymore (it was kinda dark and no one could see me that could, maybe they would just think I was talking on my cell phone... while not holding a cell phone?)
So, I'm talking and that talking turned into praying.
Lots of asking questions.
I feel like I am failing this whole parenting thing.
I am not a good momma.
What if my kids are just going to grow up being disrespectful to me (cause they don't do this to anyone else).
Am I ruining my children?
Am I breaking their spirit?
Do they think I am crazy?
Does man friend think I am crazy?
Where am I going all wrong?
My cries turned into prayers...
I just need a sign that you hear me.
I feel alone.
I feel like a failure.
I do not have it all together... like ever!
Am I doing a good job?
Do my people love me?
Am I a good mother?
Here Aron and I were just talking about having another baby, and I just walked away paralyzed thinking about the baby we lost, thinking about how would that work out, could it work out, then doubting my abilities as a parent. (Y'all, it has been a crazy night)
What is my plan? What is my purpose?
I thought my thing was to be a momma, is this it? Is this enough? I am not doing so good at it!
I need a sign to know that you hear me!!!
Kinda crying, almost home, and no one is outside, and here I am waiting for a sign....
Call it coincidence... I call it a God thing.
1. I start to hear giggling. No one is out in their front yard... because it is 8:25, but I hear littles giggling. I no longer felt alone, and a little comforted by these sweet little voices (they were not my littles, but they were happy)
2. Okay, so maybe number 1 is not really a big sign, but then I walk into the house, and everyone has calmed down (including myself), and Red runs up with her little writing pad, and has written me an I'm sorry note, telling me that she loves me sooooooooooo much.
As I am sitting by her, so she can read it to me, she leans forward to tell me I am a good momma.
3. I walk into my closet to take off my shoes and I look up and see a book hanging from a shirt
It is super strange, somehow it is just propped up against my clothes
(try to ignore the bottom of the closet, and in fact ignore the whole closet... I am a slob)
So, anyway, floating book is called... My Pregnancy Journal.
(I got that book in my first trimester with Sophia....and it hasn't been opened since I was pregnant with Sophia, in fact I do not even know where that book has been or why it is floating in my closet)
Okay God... I know that you have got me, and that you hear me... even when I am power walking the neighborhood-
It is just strange. I am sure some of the 10s, maybe 4s of you are thinking.... girlfriend... those are not signs, go back to your pity party!
A few take aways from the whole evening...
I am not a bad mom.
I have some really awesome mom moments then some not so hot mom moments.
I am learning this whole parenting gig as I go.
Some days are just harder than others, and the past few days are just some of those days.
I love these people.
They love me too (it is hard to tell during their temper tantrums, but I know they love me)
Tomorrow is another day, I can start off with a happy spirit and show them love
Momin' ain't easy
As for the floating book...