Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Am I really present in this moment??

I have started this post three times, let's hope that this draft is a keeper! Ha!
Over the past few months, I have been reminded how precious my days are, and that I should really review how I am spending my time.
I have been in constant prayer for the following things....
My Bucky and his chemo treatments, constantly praying for his improved health and that he is in no pain.  I am also praying for my Moss who is taking care of him.  I cannot imagine the stress of taking care of a spouse who is ill... it rocks me to my core.  I am praying for my parents, as well as my aunts and uncles who are dealing with having a sick parent.
I am flooding my friend with prayers, that has been diagnosed with cancer and has had a growth of some spots in areas on his spine and head.  I just pray that the spots some how magically go away and that any anxiety he and his family are feeling will just be lifted
I am praying for my friend whose husband was taken off of life support this week and passed away.  I just pray for her and her daughter and their family
I am praying for some friends who lost a friend in a accident this week.  The woman was my age and I went to high school with her.  It was so unexpected.  My heart just breaks for them
There are so many other things that my heart is just filled with at this time.  Friends going through a divorce, trouble with children, people with sick parents or children, friends that are having trouble with work or having NO work, issues that are occurring all over the world every single day.
So, this has been my constant prayer list for some amount of time.  All of these people who are struck with such pain and heartache, and their time is being cut short.
With all of this going on, I have really been looking at myself.  How am I living in my life, and am I really present in this moment, and what is the legacy that I am going to leave if something happens to me.  I know, is this too deep for Wednesday MOM-VERSATION?
This time here, at my Earthly home is not going to be forever.  I believe, with all I got, that my God is preparing a heavenly home for me with Him.  I like to think that I will be in a sweet little two story brick house next door to my right will be my MamMaw and PapPaw, my Aunt Diane, my Aunt Glenda, one of my dearest friends Brad will be right across the street, my MawMaw and PawPaw, and my Mimi will be in a house behind my house... ya see in this heavenly home I will live on a lot of acreage, and Aron's momma Glenda will be right next door on the other side of the house.  It is a happy place with no pain, fear, or worries.  What a wonderful place.
Anyways, these moments that I have right now, with my people are precious.  This time I am spending with my babies is special and I do not think that I am always treating it as so.  When they want to play with me, I am sitting there making a list in my head of projects that I want to do in their room.  When I am sitting with them watching a movie, I also have my IPhone in my hand looking a Facebook.  When my husband comes home from a long crazy day at work, I immediately unload my days issues and things that he could help me with:(  When the kids go to sleep, I could sit with Aron and talk about stuff, anything, but we sometimes just sit on the couch too tired to function let alone spit out a sentence.  When a friend calls me on the phone, I sometimes find a reason to silence it or let them know that I cannot talk because I have other things keeping my attention at the time... this is horrible, because they may have really needed a friend, and I just blew them off.  Sometimes when a family member stops by, I act frazzled and frustrated with my stuff when I probably needed to ask them how their day was.
Well, all of this...
1.  Makes me sound like a jerk... (please do not feel that way, I am really a nice person, just a bit overwhelmed)
2.  just makes me see that I am not really present in the moment.
When I am with my babies, I need to be with my babies.
When I have time with my husband, I need to be building that relationship.
When someone calls me, I should make myself more available.
Needless to say, I am going through a change... not "the change", but a change.
It is time that I re-evaluate how I am spending my time, because this time that I have is so very limited.
I want my babies to think of me a fun girl who likes to play Barbies and Animals.  A momma that does not freak out over spilled apple juice or when she finds some clothes in a toilet.  A mommy who would get on the slide at the playground and play in the rain.
I want my husband to think I am the same fun girl that he married (even though I have grown a few sizes and have a few more stretch marks).  I am still the same girl on the inside.  I do not want him to ever feel like I am a grump and a control freak!  I want him to feel appreciated and loved, and never ever 2nd guess my love for him.  I want him to always feel secure in this marriage.
I want my family and friends to need me and me still be able to be there for them.  I do not ever want them to feel like they are bothering me or that I have too much going on in my life for them, because I do not!!
I also want my family to not think that I am a nut ball, because after this post they might question my sanity!  Hopefully, people will not see them out and ask them if I have gone coo-coo!
Most of all, I just want to always know that my people know how much I love them.
Sorry to cut the thoughts short, but the Bear is crying, he never really fell asleep during nap time, so I should go scoop him up and put my focus where it needs to be.  Loves!


Brooke said...

love you sweet friend! I need to make time to come see you!

Lindsay said...

Tears in my eyes and just love in my heart. You shared so many things I feel about really wanting to be present. You're not alone or losing your mind. Right there with you. Thank you for sharing your prayer list. I'll pray for them to. Can't wait to see you guys soon. Hugs.