January 28, 2016

I realize that the post is dated 7 months from now, but this date has been weighing heavily on my heart the past few weeks.  A little over a month ago, we found out that we were expecting!  It came as a BIG surprise to us.  Ya see, we had only started talking about having a baby just a few days before we even found out.  I love that the Lord had already been preparing our hearts for this baby, He is so good like that.  For the past few years, my heart has been longing for another baby, I mean, I am not getting any younger, and my babies are growing up.  I think I have always known that I want at least 3 or 5 kids (Aron, I guess it is time you knew, yes, 5 kids!)  Seriously, I have been ready.  I love babies, and I love my babies, and I have just been patiently waiting for Aron to look at me and tell me that he was feeling the same way.  I had brought it up over the past few years, but something always would come up and a baby just was not the right thing at that moment.  So, a few months ago, when Aron started the baby chat, I immediately responded (obvi)!

So, anyways, I am 35.  I'm just putting it out there.  My eggs are not old.  I am not old.  But a lady of my age may not find it to be easy to have babies (at least not as easy as a 20 something gal).  Not only am I 35, but it is not the easiest for me to even get pregnant (you have to do that whole ovulating thing, and it is not something that I do that often).  It took almost 2 years to get pregnant with Sophia.  With Brayden, it happened a bit faster.  Then with Foresee number 3, we had a discussion and it was like the next day we were pregnant!  Talk about amazing!

I remember the few days before we found out, I could not hold my eyes open (like no joke), I would be talking to a little and I would wake up an hour later (no judging, my husband was at home).  Then one morning, my sweet Aron let me sleep in (until 9, 9 in the morning y'all, it was like I was in college (sorry mom and dad), but 9.  I woke up and had breakfast, and told Aron how much I appreciated him letting me sleep for a little extra time, and within 45 minutes I was back asleep and stayed that way until noon!  I started thinking that this whole full time momma, full time job, full time wife thing was really taking it's toll on me.  That night we went to my parents house, had a wonderful dinner, and I finished my food (only a few bites) and everyone was having a good time, talking, eating, and I just got up and went to the couch (so rude!), strange that I woke up and hour later.  It was crazy, who even does this.  Driving home that night I just had a feeling.  So the next morning, I told Aron we were out of dog food, and I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test.  I was so crazy and exciting.  I opened the box as soon as I got in the parking lot, and threw the box away in the parking lot.  I did not want Aron to see it when I walked in the house.  As I pulled in the driveway, I already had the tests in my wallet, the kids were outside with Aron playing in the yard.  I just ran in (with NO dog food, sorry Chip, I was distracted), and took the first test.  I know, not even my first mornings urine!  (Sorry uncomfortable readers, that now know I pee).  Anyways, when I took the test, it showed the lightest positive sign.  My hand immediately went to my belly, and I just quietly praised Jesus for this baby.  I could not believe it, number 3!  I was having another baby!

In the whole 5 minutes I had to process this news, I had already decided I would NOT go out and tell Aron.  I wanted to surprise him.  Maybe I would make a meal with all sorts of baby things:  baby potatoes, baby carrots, baby size beanie weenies (even though that would make him gag), or maybe I would wait and tell him with the first ultrasound, or maybe I would have a family picture taken and tell him during the photographer taking the picture (and get a crazy reaction on film).  So, yes, I would not tell him, I would wait.  I walked outside after hiding the test in the bottom of the trash can, and sit down next to him.  I was looking at the littles and just completely overwhelmed with emotion.  Thinking how happy I was, how happy they were, how happy Aron was to just be sitting outside with me not asking him to do anything.  As I was tearing up and looking at the kids, I looked at Aron and just made the comment how perfect they were and how happy I was with the two of them.  He agreed, and just went about the conversation.  He started talking about something else... probably about how we need a fishing boat, or his new truck that we want to get soon, or if we had any bills to be paid that week, and I just interrupted and said it is so great having these two littles, but what if there were more, would he be okay?  He looked at me in a strange way (like, hello, crazy lady, I was talking about something else) but said , yea, another would be good (he was probably thinking like, yes, we are gonna try again tonight!  ha, it's really probably what he was thinking, and I sure he was
not thinking that it would be anytime soon.  Then I just put it out there.... well, it is happening!  There would be more, we are having another.  He was confused, heck, so was I.  I had already decided I would at least let myself process the news a bit longer, but no, verbal diarrhea set in and I had to let him know.  To say he was surprised was an understatement, and he needed visual proof.  He reviewed the test (like he was some sort of pregnancy test scientist or something) and let me know that it was not dark enough to be positive, and that I would need a re-do.  Ha!  I know a positive when I see a positive, but I will do anything to appease the scientist.  So, I waited until the next morning, and voila!  Super, super light, but it was positive!  I was happy!  He was shocked, and happy!  I was a little sappy, I mean I am over the moon for our littles, and would they be upset that I am messing up our family of 4 dynamic?  Or would us being a Foresee, table of five family be okay?  I was overwhelmed.  I needed to process... and get on Pinterest!

On Tuesday, I called my sweet girl parts doctor, and explained that I thought I was pregnant, but for the past few weeks, I had been taking pain pills, and was a little concerned that I may have hurt our little one.  Ya see, I had recently hurt my back again, it was not good!  My doctor got me immediately in, he had not seen me in sometime, so the reunion was good.  He could not believe that my children were 5 and 4 and then he had to let me know that he had even stopped delivering babies!  Boo!  Heartbroken.  I mean, y'all, I love my doctor.  He makes me feel safe.  He talks to me, and listens to me.  He cares about me.  I just love how he was there all the way trying to have Sophia, and then Brayden, and now, here I am in his office explaining my fear of this 3rd baby and how I felt about possibly causing harm to this new one.  I took a test at the office, and it was so light, and he wanted me to do blood work, a quantitative analysis.  Trying to see where my hormones were at, and see if we could pin point my ovulation date and possibly how far along I was.  (I know, TMI, but this is every moment that I want to remember about this time).  My due date was January 28th 2016!  January 28th was Brayden's due date (very strange) So, blood work.  I did a lot of this over the next few weeks.  Every 48 hours that first week and two times a week the next few weeks, every test he would call and give me the results.  My numbers were low, but they were increasing.  It was so exciting.  Did I mention through all of this we were keeping it a secret?!  It was so hard to not tell my
people!  I was feeling good, not really tired anymore, just excited.  I was constantly loving on my
belly, already planning a nursery, and buying shirts for the kids (Big Sister and Big Brother shirts with their names on them).  Aron even started finishing up some projects that have just been hanging around the house.  He was painting baseboards, painting a wall a night, and doing anything to allow me to keep off my feet (such a sweet sweet husband).  I was also soaking up these moments with the kids.  I mean in about 8 months our lives were going to change.  We would be out numbered by the kids, and I just wanted to soak up this time with my most loved girl and guy.  I was laying in the bed with them a little longer, playing in the floor with them a bit more, coloring I love you notes to them, and doing whatever they wanted to do.  It was a great time.

We eventually told all of our family.  We had them all over for a little dinner party, celebrating Brayden's big t-ball season.  We had the kids in Big Sister/ Big Brother shirts, thinking that when everyone walked in they would read the shirts and jump for joy and then, with the whole family there, we would tell the kids what their shirts would say.  Well, our people arrive, and never read the shirts.  I was so crazy that whole time.  I mean, what is wrong with these people?  Do they know how to read?

 Finally, after an hour of waiting for these guys to get it together, we just had to tell them!  They were so surprised.  Then they read the shirts and understood.  Note to self, next time, do not go with shirts!  Ha!  Then, we told the kids what their shirts said.  Sophia was so happy, and Brayden did not care about the news and did not like a group staring at him, and just scowled and looked at the IPAD, it was not what I was looking for, but what can ya do!  There it was.

 All of our people knew!  I was so relieved to be able to talk about it and stop wearing button up things over my tank tops and pregnant belly.  My belly was growing, and just acted like it was at least 3 months along, or had multiples in there!  Ha! 

I did not care, I was proud.  I was growing a person, my person!

So, as the weeks were going by, my numbers were increasing, and Dr Pappas wanted me to go in for an ultrasound.  I went in very excited, and that excitement quickly left when the ultrasound showed no baby and heard no heartbeat.  I.. WAS..DEVASTATED.  I walked out of the office in a daze.  I turned the corner only to run into a momma with her pregnant belly.  She was so happy, walking into the office, and here I was (I mean that was me just about 30 minutes earlier, I was happy momma with a belly) and I just sobbed.  I got to the car, and just sat there for about 15 minutes just crying and praying.  Praying and asking why, and praying that the ultrasound was wrong.  My doctor had said that maybe I was too early, and we would do another ultrasound in a week from that day.  So, with that thought in my head, and my not so great news, I called Aron.  I know some people would have probably waited to tell their spouse that kind of news, but I had to tell him immediately.  To hear is the sadness in his voice and I could not hug him at that moment was the worst.  I let my momma know, and she just tried to stay positive, I needed that, momma's somehow make everything better.  I had discussed the situation with a few friends, and I knew that they were praying over me, but beyond that I was just sitting on our new information.  A few days later I had gone in for blood work and my numbers did not double like they had been doing.  They had increased, just not but much.  My doctor had started talking about if I had any pain or bleeding to call him, take it easy, ect..  I was
trying to go about things like normal, but I was kind of a crazy mess.  I was not focusing on anything.  I did a lot of praying, a lot.  I think that time just helped me get through it, prayer and my Aron.  It is good to have a strong person by your side, even if they are not feeling strong, he acted like it, for me.  I needed that.  As I was trying to keep up my normal, for kids, family, and my job, we had even planned on going on a weekend camping trip.  My doctor was concerned, but since I would not be too far away from him, he was okay with me going, as long as I was taking it easy.

So, off we went.  The kids and I arrived on Friday evening.  Aron already had the site set up.  It was a peaceful time.  The kids played and all was happy for the time being.  The next day the brothers came out with our friend Nicole.  Mom and Dad were supposed to come, but life got in the way, and they ended up not being able to come.  The whole day was so much fun, and it was just what I needed, to be with my people, and it was good for me and good for the soul!  Late that night, as I had gotten the littles in the bed, was getting ready for myself to go to bed, Aron, Jason, and Nicole, were outside laughing and having a good time, the kids began to fight (normal) and I went to the bathroom and as I looked down all I saw was blood.  It was happening.  All I could do was say, no, no, no, please, don't do this, please don't do this.  I just walked out of the camper and it was late y'all and just broke down.  It was so sad.  Sad to be so vulnerable in front of everyone, and it just took a few moments and they all immediately knew what was happening.  All Aron could do was stand there and hug me.  It was probably the worst moment I have ever experienced.  We waited till morning to go home, and I do not think I slept at all that whole night.  I just thought about my number 3.  Girl or boy (ya know, we had decided to not find out), and I thought about names, I thought about the nursery, I even thought about leaving the hospital with the baby.  I was thinking all things happy, me with this baby.  Sunday was long.  My bleeding had stopped during the night, I thought that was positive.

Aron went in for the Monday ultrasound with me, and I just knew that all things would be okay, and we would see our baby.  The ultrasound lasted for what seemed like an hour, and ended with the technician explaining that she did not see anything and she was going to get my doctor.  Aron and I just sat outside the room, just staring and holding hands.  Broken and watching others walk into the office with newborns or pregnant bellies.  All I could do was just look at the wall and hold my belly,
and just be so sad that it was gone.

I ended up having to go in for emergency surgery that day, the doctor was nervous I could have a tubal pregnancy.  He was concerned it could burst and cause big problems for me and for any future babies we may want to have.  So, we checked into the hospital, I mean really was this happening.  This morning, I was having a baby, and now I am having a surgery to possibly remove this baby from my body.  It was so crazy, and not how I expected my day to go.  It was the strangest experience I have ever had.  I ended up not having a tubal pregnancy, that was a praise, we were concerned thinking that there could have been a problem with my fallopian tubes, so to hear that they were in tact was good, but I did end up having a D & C.  I woke up from the procedure not really knowing all that had happened.  When I was finally taken to a room, all I could really do was cry.  The pregnancy was over.  My baby was no longer with me.  My parents were with me for those few minutes, Aron had run home to shower it was so late at night (11, I think), and I know my parents hearts were broken to see me in this physical and emotional pain.  I really wanted this baby friends.  I had been planning my life with this baby in it.

The rest of my hospital stay was quiet.  I would cry throughout the night, and talk with my nurses, and it was strange that each one of my nurses had also had this same thing happen to them (some of the multiple times).  They knew my pain, and knew exactly how I was feeling.  It is so strange how God puts certain people in your path.  He knew I needed these women at this time.  Some would even pray over me, and they were just so kind and loving.

All last week, I just stayed at home, and in bed.  My bed, in the dark.  I would just sleep, only really got up to eat, and talk to the kids and Aron when they would get home.  I just wanted to be alone and not really talk.  It has been 10 days.  My physical pain is easing, but my heart is still heavy.  My once pregnant belly is now just a shell with nothing in it.  I still catch myself rubbing it, it kind of soothes me, but then it is just sad to know that my baby is not in there.  I've even been out and about and those brave people that ask if your expecting or when are you due have been put in my path, and to spare them the awkward moment I tel them I'm due in January and we are very excited for a third baby!  I am not sure how long I will feel like this.  Aron has said that we can try again, but I am so scared at the thought that this could happen again.  I am not sure what our future will be like, will we try again.  I guess I just need some time.

God has a plan for our family.  I do not know why this has happened, and I am not sure that I will ever understand.  I do know that God is with me, watching over me, and is holding me in the palm of His hand.  He will not leave me.  He has got this.  I appreciate all of the prayers from our family and friends, you have no idea how much they are felt.  I have even had many girl friends, women I've known for years share their experiences, and I now know that I'm not alone, it gives me peace but then makes my heart sad for the women that have gone through this more than once or have gone through this an do not have a Sophia and Brayden to come home to. It feels good to know that we have so many peopl who care about us.  We love you all!