Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Tuesday tidbits..

I feel like I am doing pretty well, I do believe this is at least 3-4 times blogging in the month of July!  I think it is safe to say...
I have missed blogging on the reg.  I am a rambler, an over sharer, love to tell a good story, and I love to write down the sweet memories we are making each day.  The past many months I have been slacking on the blog, and I hate it!

I figure since I am finally back, but do not have much to discuss, I would do a few Tuesday tidbits...
1.  I had a lunch date today!  With one of my besties Kim!
It had been a super strange morning, like one of those morning where you know that God is testing you and your patience by putting a person in your path and what you are supposed to do is keep it Christian and love them, but they just make you nutzo sometimes.  Yes, I was tested and I failed and Mexican food was the only way to help me feel better about my day.  We went to a local place and I ordered the same thing as always, a taco salad.  Every time I order, it is always cold and gross, but I keep on keeping on, because I feel that this could be a great dish for me, if it was warm.

2.  Tonight, Aron was painting in our bedroom.  It will be gray (not blue gray or green gray, but gray gray).  super excited for the reveal, as the previous grays I have chosen (and that are on our kitchen, living room, and bathroom, are really all blue gray or green grays!  (ya follow?)  Any ways, Aron has already finished the trim along the walls, it has been painted white! I just know that by tomorrow, we will be able to sleep in our freshly painted bedroom!!  Next it will be onto the master bathroom and finish painting the mantle and front door frame white... did I mention we are having a house full on Sunday for Sophia's birthday?  We shall see what is completed by this time!!

3.  Speaking of a party this weekend, at our house, I am just looking around at all of the clutter in our home.  I am getting ready to do a spring cleanin' in the summer!  I am feeling the need to get rid of stuff and organize... or I may just look on Pinterest for ideas on how to organize our home for a month, and then the summer clean up time frame will be long gone.  Ha!!

4.  So, tomorrow is Wednesday, and Sophia is turning 6 on Sunday.  (did I mention we will have our family over to celebrate on that day?)  Did I mention she will be 6?  Have I mentioned that I have not even ordered the child a cake?  #TotalMomFail #BirthdayShmirthday #TomorrowWillBeBusy  #PoorPlanner

5.  It is just a few minutes before 11.  The house is quiet besides the hummmm of the dryer and I am sitting alone.... eating my second piece of birthday cake.  I am super tempted to go and grab a half piece and shove it in my mouth, but really, who needs 2 1/2 pieces of birthday cake, at 11p.m., before they go to bed??

6.  Just a funny tid-bit, I fell asleep in between tid-bit 2 and 3.  Do y'all think I fell into a sugar coma?

7.  Last one.  I let the littles stay up late tonight.  I sat with them on the couch and we watched Shrek, they love that green ogre.  It was just a few minutes before 10 before they were all tucked in (oh, returning back to school is going to be a rough time... for all of us)!

Help, my kid only eats ketchup!

Okay, the title of the post may seem a little dramatic, but I had to be a wee bit ridic with my header in order to get your attention.  I need help!  It is time for real talk, and I hope that some of you are willing to share, because this ain't no joke, this momma needs help!  The things that I am going to reveal to you (10s of readers) are only going to show you that I am not that momma that is feeding my littles healthy snacks or meals.  You will soon find out that while Aron and I are eating well, my people are eating sad foods:  nuggets, peanut butter and jellies, and ketchup!! 
Today it must stop!!

In the next few weeks, the kids will be returning to school.  I am excited for Bray to get back with school, since I love all of his teachers, and Sophia, well it is gonna be hard to get her to school at 7:30 (eeek, it makes me super stressed) and it is kindergarten (whaaaaaaaa, she is growing up).  Anyways, with their time out of school, I have really been trying to figure out new snacks and foods that my wee ones will eat.  Sophia is not as challenging.  She will try things, eat what we eat, and is just very agreeable.  Now, the other child, I am at a loss. I mean really, how many times can you eat chicken nuggets, rolls, pizza, or jelly sandwiches (not all in one day, I am talking meals people)!?  These are the only things that he will really eat.

I have tried the whole bit of, "I am only cooking one meal and you will sit here until you eat it."

Each time the ultimatum has been thrown down, my little plays it tough.  This kid will sit there until the end of time, he would rather starve than try a hamburger, lasagna, a vegetable, or piece of cheese!
He just loves a challenge, and I just do not get it.  For the longest time he would only eat ketchup, I know, ketchup.  It is a fa-reeking condiment, not a meal replacement!!
I have read the comments of my momma friends who are able to wake up and half apples and fill the innerds with peanut butter and then smush them back together and wrap them in saran wrap (good for you)- my kid would chunk that and trade it for ketchup!
I have the friends that will serve their child hummus and veggies for a healthy treat (really, this is not happening, my child would look at that and say that it hurts his belly to look at it.... and then cry!)  FYI, I would not even eat hummus, sounds icky.
Then there are the friends who are sending their littles to school with fish sticks and such (my little will only eat things shaped like a nugget... the nugget of a chicken).
Seriously, what time are you mommas getting up to make your children's lunches look like they should be in some sort of food museum???

I know it seems like I am poking fun at other mommas who have these amazing eaters (I am only half making fun and the other half of me is super jealous that your kid eats from each part of the food triangle).

 I just want to feel like I am not making the same things over and over, and I want to know if I make something new that my kid will eat it.

Really, I am not sure I would eat this.
Seriously, how are you getting your child to eat different foods (are you paying them, do you buy them a toy each time they take a bite)?

I need to know!  I am also wanting to know what other things I can make for lunch and dinner?

Monday, July 27, 2015

Today is Caryn's birthday...

happy birthday to her, she's a big girl!
Today is Caryn's birthday...
happy birthday!
happy birthday, to you!
To you!  To you!!
Yes, I know I just typed that song out for myself, but when I was little, and it was my birthday, my momma would sing this little birthday song to me.  This morning, it only seemed fitting that I wake up and hum it to myself.
That is right y'all!  I am 36 today, it is my BIG day!  I wish I could say I spent the day lounging about and relaxing, but I woke up a little late, went to work, and have spent the evening on the couch with my people watching American Ninja Warrior!
I know, big stuff here.  I feel like it was just yesterday that I would spend my birthday (or really, the week of my birthday) celebrating with some of my most favorite girlfriends and boyfriends (not boys I was dating, don't want to seem like a floozy, but my guy friends that I love like brothers)!  It was always such a fun week, but I am afraid if I celebrated like that these days, I may have to take a week off from work to re-coop!  (ain't nobody got time for that)!
Anyways, things have changed!  Here I am at 36, sitting on the couch surrounded by the people I love most and that love me best!  This seems just as good as my week long birthday celebrations!
My birthday weekend was so nice.  Saturday morning, I went to breakfast with my girlfriend Regan.  This is something that I never get to do.  Breakfast with a girlfriend?  Breakfast with Regan?   Nope, unheard of!  She has children, I have children, and we were able to get out, alone, no children!!  Then, I took the kiddos to a birthday swimming party.  The rest of the day was spent hanging out at the house until we went to dinner at my Moss' house (FYI, if you are new here, a Moss is my grandmother).  Dinner was delicious, and the company was family, so this was a happy time.  Sunday we woke up and made it to church.  I was so glad that we were able to go, it seems like forever since we had attended, and I was so happy to be back.  Nothing better that starting your week off with Jesus (I have been missing this).  Sunday afternoon, it was about a bajillion degrees out (really 97ish) so I just wanted to stay inside and hang out.  I really lounged around watching Aron paint the wood trim in our bedroom and rented a movie on VUDU,  Far From the Madding Crowd.... loved it!!  That night for supper my parents hosted my people for a birthday celebration.  It was good to be with my family and friends that I consider family, I do not know how many times I looked around the room and just grinned from ear to ear thinking how lucky I am to have all of these people in my life.  I am a lucky girl for sure, and loved so well.

Even though my day was spent at the office, it was still good.  I was greeted with happy faces of friends, and was able to have a yummy birthday lunch with my Suzie (if you don't have a Suzie, you should get one), and was sent so many sweet messages and texts from others who I do not see on the reg!  After work I was able to come home and spend a few minutes alone, PTL for my Aron who took the kids to gymnastics, by himself.  I may have said that I would start dinner (and I may have lied) instead I just sat in the chair looking at the fireplace, thinking, "I am 36, this is 36".  It was not a sad revelation, just a revelation.
35 is over, and the year was good, but I am ready for what 36 has to bring.  The kids start school in a few weeks, Sophia will begin kindergarten and she is turning 6 (insert sniffle, sniffle, sob), Brayden will move up to big boy gymnastics next week and he will soon turn 5 (what??!  sniffle, sniffle, sob).  Me and my lov-a will be celebrating 9 years of marriage (that is crazy).  I am approaching my 2 year mark of returning back to the workforce, and it has really been a good thing.  The man friend has been working like crazy to get our house back in order (I guess he does not like the unfinished painting of trim and walls all throughout the house, so he is finishing it up for me... since my clickity clack back has still been out of whack).  We have even been discussing moving.
There are just so many big things for our future.  I know the last few months had been so unexpected, but I truly feel that we are coming out of the storm and things are going to be BIG!  I am really ready to just relax and enjoy things.  I feel like I have always been such a planner, always in a rush, rushing to get up in the morning, rushing to get out of the door, rushing to get meals eaten and cleaned up, rushing to get people bathed and in bed, rushing all around to I can hurry and get to bed.  I am constantly thinking, I cannot wait until bedtime, I cannot wait until Friday, and then Monday comes and I am thinking I cannot wait until it is the weekend.  Rushing all of these moments, and I need to take a chill pill. Time is just flying by, and I do not want to miss it or have my children think that I was always in a hurry!!  I am ready to enjoy my moments.

Stop rushing so much, and enjoy 36!!

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Everything is gonna be alright...

Okay, this is real talk here today.

It has been a few weeks since I have shared how I was really doing since our loss.  I put it all out there and did not hold back.  I know it was a lot of personal information and NOW it is all out there on the internets for all of the 10s of readers, and I am okay with that.  It felt good to share, talk, and be real, and help begin the healing process on my momma heart.  After I hit publish the post, I was nervous, about how people would react, but I was so surprised with how many people shared their own stories about a loss they had experienced.  Oh, to know I have so many friends that have miscarried (some more than one time), and my heart just aches for them too.  One thing they all did tell me is that in time, everything is gonna be alright.
Earlier this week, I had my post op appointment with my doctor.  I had been doing pretty well, until I checked in for my appointment.  I was feeling a little uncomfortable, since the last time I was there I had just left my ultrasound that had shown no baby.  My appointment went well and my doctor felt everything was going good  (ya know, with all my parts), and that was good to hear.
We discussed a few things:
1.  How I felt about having another baby.  Obviously, I want to have more, but this is not only a "me" decision, this is a "we" decision.  It has been hard for me, but it has been hard for Aron to see me completely broken.  I try so hard to keep it together, but this really shook me to the core.  So, do we want to do this again?
2.  We talked about the possibility of this happening again.  This scares me to death, to know that it could happen, but honestly, the doctor can tell me it more than likely will not, but he does not know everything.  Would I be able to handle if this did happen all over?
3.  We talked about me being in "advanced age" for pregnancy (can y'all believe it, I am what is thought of as a geriatric pregnant woman)!  Ummm, hello, I am 35 (only for 2 more days, but geez)!  I did have this conversation more than once over the pregnancy, and this young nurse, we are talking young like Doogie (Howser, remember him?)
She was talking to me about my "geriatric pregnancy" and kept referring to my age (like I was 80).  She would say, "blah, blah, blah... advanced age."
Then I would look at her and say, "I am 35, that is not advanced".
She would then ramble..., "but, you will be 36 in a little over a month, so we'll round up."
I was all, "but, I'm not.  I'm 35".
Needless to say, it was like some back and forth game, that she was not going to let up on.  I cannot say on here what I was wanting to say to that little peppy pip-squeek, I'm gonna keep it family friendly.  (ya dig?)
4.  We also talked about ovulation (and how I do not often do that)... and I am pretty sure I just lost about 2 of my 10s of readers)!  Ha!  Really, he asked that I have 3 periods before we try again.  For me, this could be one time in November, then next year?!  So, if I went with that direction, I could really be in "advanced age" if I went with this timeline!
5.  Lastly, we talked about fertility help (medications to help ovulation and to help me conceive again).  We did this with helping to become pregnant with Sophia.
It was a pretty heavy discussion for a Tuesday.  Many of the things I was not totally prepared to talk about, I mean I feel like I was just coming out of the trenches of this loss!  It left me with so much to think about.
I know that I love being a momma to my littles,
and I have wanted to have another baby for a few years, but it had just not been in the cards for us.  So, who knows what the future will hold for our family.

For now, please know, I am doing much better.  I am still sad, I mean I was so happy about this baby, but I know that I have so much to be thankful for.  I am just going to focus on that.

Thank you so much for all of your prayers and messages-

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

A hairy situation...

If you know me, then you know that I have BIG hair.  I'm talking 80's hair band BIG.
Over the years I have just learned to embrace the fro, and just let it do what it wants to do.  A few weeks ago, we were at a dinner and I was told that my hair was too big for my face (it is not necessary to know who made this comment, but know that I love them and she gave birth to me... ha)!  Seriously, I was not mad in the slightest, but it left me thinking.  Ummmmm, okay.  When those words are thrown I go to a weird place...
like I am thinking about this guy...
his hair is just too big for his face.  Is this what I am looking like these days?  Are my friends not telling me that my hair is to large and in charge??

Then I think about this guy...
He probably thought he was super cute with his curly top and red lips, and red clown painted cheeks, and blue eye shadow.  (y'all, bless his heart, why did his momma not look at him and say sweet heart, your hair is just not right for your face and that shade of rouge is really not your thing.  at all.  no lies.)  #pitiful #butitwasthe80s

So anyways, back to me.  The words have been thrown out there, and I have been thinking what I should do with my hair.  I have found a few different cuts I love, but I cannot decide.

My hair is hard, if I cut it too short it gets bigger and I could look like a q-tip.

If I cut it without layers, then it looks like a bell shape or a triangle.
Layers... they are good, until I flat iron my hair and it looks like crazy town.

Oh, so many decisions (I know, first world problems).

I have found so many great cuts, I am aware that a few of the shots are of the same girl, I may secretly have a girl crush on her still!  I love Keri Russell, am I the only girl that watched Felicity?  She had the hair, and it was BIG, and I could totally relate!  She was smart, followed a boy to school.  She loved Ben, but then she met Noel, but Ben!  I loved Ben!  Y'all do remember this show, yes??  Anyways, the hair!

I am ready for a change.  It is time to shake things up!  This girl has had a huge few months, and I turn 36 next week.  I am looking to do something fun, new, and BIG!!  Tomorrow morning I am making the appointment!! 

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

The New Normal...

Over the past three weeks, I have anxiously been waiting for my heart to heal.  I have been super patient.  Each morning that I have woken up, I have hoped that the ache in my heart will not be there, but it still is.  Each day that I have seen a new momma or even a momma with a growing belly, I have hoped that the momma would not see my sad face gazing their way.  Each time over the past few weeks, when someone asks about our sweet surprise baby and how "we" are feeling, I have prayed to have strength and not begin crying at the question as I tell them that we lost the baby.  Sometimes, I am successful, and other times not so much (for those that this has happened to, I apologize, but my heart is still so very broken).

I am not sure how long this healing process takes, but I really thought that I would be able to get through this a bit quicker.  I have been unsuccessful.  Each night, while all of the people in my house are resting, I have just laid in the bed and cried.  You would think with all of these tears that I would be all dried up by now, but obviously I am well hydrated throughout the day, and have much to spare at night! I hate to cry in front of others (even my Aron), so for some reason these late night cries have become my new normal.

Last night, after I got home from work, I just looked at Aron and said that we needed to talk and he would probably have to sit down.  I am sure that a bajillion crazy thoughts were going through his head at that moment.  He just sat and looked at me, and immediately started with the top three things that could possibly have me down...
1.  we have no money?
2.  we have nothing for dinner?
3.  something is wrong with the car?
They were all great guesses, but nada one was right.  I just looked at him and lost it.  Ugly crying and emotional diarrhea.  I just unloaded weeks of stuff...
1.  I am completely heart broken that we lost our baby
2.  I am not sure that I will recover, emotionally
3.  In my deep insides I am so mad, mad that this happened, mad that I cannot understand why this happened, mad that there are people who have babies and are horrible to them and this one was taken away from us!
4.  I am overwhelmed with everything.
5.  I am concerned about the future, if this happened again
6.  I think that everything that has happened is finally hitting me.  A few weeks ago, I think that I was just kind of going through the motions, and I just cannot handle it.
7.  I am trying so hard to just stuff all of my emotions down, just so I can get through the day.

I feel like I am just walking around wearing this mask and I so badly just want to rip it off and say, "I am not doing okay!  I am so sad, and I feel like if I started crying at this very moment, I may never ever stop!!"
I feel like I am just out here yelling and waving my hands above my head at everyone, and I feel like everyone else is just looking at me smiling and waving back, but I am drowning y'all, in this emotional mess.  I have never felt more alone.

This cannot be my new normal!  I have never been this girl that is just angry.  I do not want to be this girl that is mad, or negative.  I want my old self back, and I am afraid that I am not going to find her.  I am nervous that this new girl is going to take old girls place.

I know this is a lot of personal stuff (all 10s of readers) but I almost feel like if I do not get it off of my chest I might have a breakdown.

I know that my family and friends are constantly praying over me.  I am so thankful that I have people in my life that will lift me up when I can not do it myself.  The past few mornings, on my way to work, I have started praying.  (Old girl used to do this all of the time.)  I pray for strength to just get through the day.  I pray that I have patience and a kind heart.  I pray that I will be a bright spot for someone else.  I pray that I will be loving to my husband and babies.  I pray that I will feel the presence of my Savior at every moment, and feel kept.

I know that I have much to be thankful for.  I have so much: Aron (who is so patient and loving), my wee ones (who are so fun and adore me), a family that cares for me, friends, house, a job (and it is a job that I love and I get to do it with a group of people that I love).
I know that there are women out there that cannot have children, and I have been blessed with 2.
I know that there are women that have lost multiple babies.
I know that there are women that have gone through this loss, and are alone.
Over the past few days, I have prayed for these women.  I know how I feel, and I have so much to be thankful for, but the women that do not have this support that I have had, my heart aches for you.  I just cannot imagine.

I am so hopeful that tomorrow will be the day where I just wake up and feel like my old self.