Wednesday, July 8, 2015

The New Normal...

Over the past three weeks, I have anxiously been waiting for my heart to heal.  I have been super patient.  Each morning that I have woken up, I have hoped that the ache in my heart will not be there, but it still is.  Each day that I have seen a new momma or even a momma with a growing belly, I have hoped that the momma would not see my sad face gazing their way.  Each time over the past few weeks, when someone asks about our sweet surprise baby and how "we" are feeling, I have prayed to have strength and not begin crying at the question as I tell them that we lost the baby.  Sometimes, I am successful, and other times not so much (for those that this has happened to, I apologize, but my heart is still so very broken).

I am not sure how long this healing process takes, but I really thought that I would be able to get through this a bit quicker.  I have been unsuccessful.  Each night, while all of the people in my house are resting, I have just laid in the bed and cried.  You would think with all of these tears that I would be all dried up by now, but obviously I am well hydrated throughout the day, and have much to spare at night! I hate to cry in front of others (even my Aron), so for some reason these late night cries have become my new normal.

Last night, after I got home from work, I just looked at Aron and said that we needed to talk and he would probably have to sit down.  I am sure that a bajillion crazy thoughts were going through his head at that moment.  He just sat and looked at me, and immediately started with the top three things that could possibly have me down...
1.  we have no money?
2.  we have nothing for dinner?
3.  something is wrong with the car?
They were all great guesses, but nada one was right.  I just looked at him and lost it.  Ugly crying and emotional diarrhea.  I just unloaded weeks of stuff...
1.  I am completely heart broken that we lost our baby
2.  I am not sure that I will recover, emotionally
3.  In my deep insides I am so mad, mad that this happened, mad that I cannot understand why this happened, mad that there are people who have babies and are horrible to them and this one was taken away from us!
4.  I am overwhelmed with everything.
5.  I am concerned about the future, if this happened again
6.  I think that everything that has happened is finally hitting me.  A few weeks ago, I think that I was just kind of going through the motions, and I just cannot handle it.
7.  I am trying so hard to just stuff all of my emotions down, just so I can get through the day.

I feel like I am just walking around wearing this mask and I so badly just want to rip it off and say, "I am not doing okay!  I am so sad, and I feel like if I started crying at this very moment, I may never ever stop!!"
I feel like I am just out here yelling and waving my hands above my head at everyone, and I feel like everyone else is just looking at me smiling and waving back, but I am drowning y'all, in this emotional mess.  I have never felt more alone.

This cannot be my new normal!  I have never been this girl that is just angry.  I do not want to be this girl that is mad, or negative.  I want my old self back, and I am afraid that I am not going to find her.  I am nervous that this new girl is going to take old girls place.

I know this is a lot of personal stuff (all 10s of readers) but I almost feel like if I do not get it off of my chest I might have a breakdown.

I know that my family and friends are constantly praying over me.  I am so thankful that I have people in my life that will lift me up when I can not do it myself.  The past few mornings, on my way to work, I have started praying.  (Old girl used to do this all of the time.)  I pray for strength to just get through the day.  I pray that I have patience and a kind heart.  I pray that I will be a bright spot for someone else.  I pray that I will be loving to my husband and babies.  I pray that I will feel the presence of my Savior at every moment, and feel kept.

I know that I have much to be thankful for.  I have so much: Aron (who is so patient and loving), my wee ones (who are so fun and adore me), a family that cares for me, friends, house, a job (and it is a job that I love and I get to do it with a group of people that I love).
I know that there are women out there that cannot have children, and I have been blessed with 2.
I know that there are women that have lost multiple babies.
I know that there are women that have gone through this loss, and are alone.
Over the past few days, I have prayed for these women.  I know how I feel, and I have so much to be thankful for, but the women that do not have this support that I have had, my heart aches for you.  I just cannot imagine.

I am so hopeful that tomorrow will be the day where I just wake up and feel like my old self.


Sarah said...

Do you remember the mom summit? That's when I had my epifany. I too like you would lay in bed and cry all the time. Trying not to disturb my husband or my children. That one night at the mom summit helped me realized why I was leaving God out. I was praying. Praying like nobodies businnes, make the pain stop, make me stop feeling resentful, why after 6 months did she die? Make these feelings leave.... make me a stronger woman. I can't deal emotionally. At the mom summit with all those wonderful women praying over me, God spoke to me. I will always mourn Lily. Every day.... for the rest of my life there will be a longing for her. Once that message got into my head I became stronger. I could deal emotionally. I could talk to others about her and not cry. She was my baby and she passed away. Don't get me wrong, I still cry. But as time goes on its less. Acceptance of grief I believe is the final stage. With each milestone leila passes I cry. Lily died 8/22/2013. A day before Kalani's 3rd birthday. Had to put my smile on and pretend nothing was wrong.... inside I was writhing in confusion and pain.
I know our experiences are different but we can lean on each other if you would like. You have my number and if you don't get it from Kenny. Let's set up a play date and just talk. You can word vomit on me all day. With time the grief will lessen but it will never go away. That was your baby. Mother's are mothers from day 1 of conception. Men don't resignate. Kenny couldn't be my pillar of strength. I had to lean on other women and God. I still work thru. Even as I'm typing this I'm crying. For you and the pain your family is going thru. God bless.

Anonymous said...

What you are going through is completely normal. Allow yourself time to grieve. Don't hold it in though. Find someone to talk to. Someone that has been through it is the best person to talk to.

Anonymous said...

What you are going through is completely normal. Allow yourself time to grieve. Don't hold it in though. Find someone to talk to. Someone that has been through it is the best person to talk to.

Kim said...

I came across your post from the links on the right side of Kally's Korner and I felt compelled to click and read yours. I identify so much with everything. I learned on January 9, 2013 that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. I was devastated. I was 14w4d and thought I was safe because I made it to the second trimester. The next week and a half was awful and I was hospitalized twice because if hemorraging and other complications. I had no energy for days and days. I thought about my baby all the time. My daughter was in Kindergarten and my husband and I were ready to expand our family. It was hard. In August of that year I saw a pregnant lady smoking and I was so upset. How is it that some people follow all the do's and don'ts of pregnancy and still suffer loss but other disregard the do's and don'ts and carry their babies successfully? I had to learn to trust God on that one. It took many months for me to become pregnant again and when I did I had some spotting that scared me. I was scared every day. There was no explanation for tge spotting but the baby was growing appropriately. I was so thankful. Once I could feel tge baby move I wasn't as scared. I gave birth this past December. I thank God everyday for this baby. I still think about our angel baby. You will have bad days. Grief never ends. Trust in God.