Saturday, July 25, 2015

Everything is gonna be alright...

Okay, this is real talk here today.

It has been a few weeks since I have shared how I was really doing since our loss.  I put it all out there and did not hold back.  I know it was a lot of personal information and NOW it is all out there on the internets for all of the 10s of readers, and I am okay with that.  It felt good to share, talk, and be real, and help begin the healing process on my momma heart.  After I hit publish the post, I was nervous, about how people would react, but I was so surprised with how many people shared their own stories about a loss they had experienced.  Oh, to know I have so many friends that have miscarried (some more than one time), and my heart just aches for them too.  One thing they all did tell me is that in time, everything is gonna be alright.
Earlier this week, I had my post op appointment with my doctor.  I had been doing pretty well, until I checked in for my appointment.  I was feeling a little uncomfortable, since the last time I was there I had just left my ultrasound that had shown no baby.  My appointment went well and my doctor felt everything was going good  (ya know, with all my parts), and that was good to hear.
We discussed a few things:
1.  How I felt about having another baby.  Obviously, I want to have more, but this is not only a "me" decision, this is a "we" decision.  It has been hard for me, but it has been hard for Aron to see me completely broken.  I try so hard to keep it together, but this really shook me to the core.  So, do we want to do this again?
2.  We talked about the possibility of this happening again.  This scares me to death, to know that it could happen, but honestly, the doctor can tell me it more than likely will not, but he does not know everything.  Would I be able to handle if this did happen all over?
3.  We talked about me being in "advanced age" for pregnancy (can y'all believe it, I am what is thought of as a geriatric pregnant woman)!  Ummm, hello, I am 35 (only for 2 more days, but geez)!  I did have this conversation more than once over the pregnancy, and this young nurse, we are talking young like Doogie (Howser, remember him?)
She was talking to me about my "geriatric pregnancy" and kept referring to my age (like I was 80).  She would say, "blah, blah, blah... advanced age."
Then I would look at her and say, "I am 35, that is not advanced".
She would then ramble..., "but, you will be 36 in a little over a month, so we'll round up."
I was all, "but, I'm not.  I'm 35".
Needless to say, it was like some back and forth game, that she was not going to let up on.  I cannot say on here what I was wanting to say to that little peppy pip-squeek, I'm gonna keep it family friendly.  (ya dig?)
4.  We also talked about ovulation (and how I do not often do that)... and I am pretty sure I just lost about 2 of my 10s of readers)!  Ha!  Really, he asked that I have 3 periods before we try again.  For me, this could be one time in November, then next year?!  So, if I went with that direction, I could really be in "advanced age" if I went with this timeline!
5.  Lastly, we talked about fertility help (medications to help ovulation and to help me conceive again).  We did this with helping to become pregnant with Sophia.
It was a pretty heavy discussion for a Tuesday.  Many of the things I was not totally prepared to talk about, I mean I feel like I was just coming out of the trenches of this loss!  It left me with so much to think about.
I know that I love being a momma to my littles,
and I have wanted to have another baby for a few years, but it had just not been in the cards for us.  So, who knows what the future will hold for our family.

For now, please know, I am doing much better.  I am still sad, I mean I was so happy about this baby, but I know that I have so much to be thankful for.  I am just going to focus on that.

Thank you so much for all of your prayers and messages-

1 comment:

Unknown said...

I totally get the fear of it happening again part. I totally get it. While I was going through my last miscarriage I told my husband that I couldn't go through it anymore. Then I was willing but afraid. For me, I'm to the point where if we happen to get pregnant again I'll be happy to take the risk. However, I'm not seeking fertility treatments, because it's just too hard.